“I Have a New Girl” – My Personal Wakeup Call
Happy February! I know, I know, you don’t hear from me much these days. I’m so sorry about that! I miss you guys, but I’ve just been too busy with work to keep up with Simply Solo. Please know that things are going great and I’m super happy! Anyway, when I can, I like to share guest posts that I think you’ll enjoy. To that end, today’s post is written by Cassie Callahan, a freelance writer who is passionate about the topics of dating and relationships and writes for the Ex Recovery System.
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“I Have a New Girl” – My Personal Wakeup Call
I never considered love and relationship as priorities. In fact, I prided myself in not being “one of those girls.” You know, the ones who are so romantically involved with their boyfriends, it’s almost like they have tunnel vision. Then they cry and are miserable when it’s over, and of course I’m there to support them, ‘coz that’s what friends do. And though I won’t say it out loud, I’m thinking, “About time you got rid of that jerk.”
I was the girl with this invisible force field around her. But love finds a way and when it hits, it hits hard. At least it hit me hard.
It started out perfectly, as it should. He was perfect, as he should be. Now the honeymoon period usually lasts for six months. Ours lasted about a month and a half. He started to distance himself, but I thought that was normal. I let him be, but I wanted to be assured that he was still there. I would call him, I would text him, and I couldn’t help but think that I was starting to act like a clingy girlfriend.
“There’s something about him that I don’t like. I think he’s going to hurt you.”
That was the opinion of one of my closest friends (let’s call her Sandy). She said she didn’t like my boyfriend because she could sense that he was not right for me. It’s amazing how your friends can see things that you can’t. But that’s what friends do and that’s what I did when it came to their relationships. And like a good friend, I listened to her, but I didn’t believe her. I should have known better.
Eight months of heartache, of wondering if he’s going to call me, of listening to him criticize me, of knowing that it’s time to let go, but damn it, I’m hooked! I became my own worst nightmare – the clingy girlfriend who couldn’t let go and couldn’t survive without her boyfriend. He wanted to break up, but I couldn’t! It’s like he became my lifeline and no matter how bad treated me, I couldn’t let him go. I didn’t want to let him walk away and leave me behind.
I felt helpless, hopeless, and disgusted with myself. I’m an adult, damn it! But love does hit hard. Funny thing is, breakups hit harder.
“I have a new girl.”
Photo courtesy of Moritz Petersen
He texted me those very words after I finally asked him why he was being like this. What had changed? Well, I got my answer. It was 5:35 am on a Friday and I became wide awake. I didn’t feel angry, or hurt, or betrayed. I was in shock and before I knew it, my fingers started moving. I deleted his number from my phone. I couldn’t do it before when I was too busy holding on to him. But I guess the words “I have a new girl” have that effect on me.
I met Sandy at our business, our own little Internet café. She immediately knew something was up, but I told her I was just tired. When our shop closed for the night, I broke down. The numbness was gone and there was just pain. I couldn’t help but think, “Why the hell do people keep falling in love when this is what could await them?” My friends were right, I should have just let go. I kept thinking it was my fault, I did this to myself. If I wasn’t such an idiot and just agreed to break up with him, I wouldn’t be this crying, sniffling mess.
Sandy told me I was going to be okay. I didn’t believe her. But again she was right. But it took so long, I don’t know how those characters in the movies did it. But breakups can’t be solved with ice cream and chocolate. The pain doesn’t go away in 3 weeks, then you find someone else. Sometimes, it takes longer.
In my case, it took me nearly 2 years. But I realized something about myself. I’m a lot stronger that I thought. I held on for dear life, I crashed and burned, but I survived the breakup.
It’s nearly impossible to let go of someone you love. He may not be the one for you, he may treat you badly, but still you’re one of those girls with tunnel vision. I saw him in a different light, I thought the relationship wasn’t that bad. But like they say, love is blind. I couldn’t see what others saw and so I held on.
I guess all I needed was a wake up. “I have a new girl” was like a punch in the gut. It woke me up from the illusion that what I had was worth it. And now the tunnel vision is gone. He’s not my world anymore. Lesson learned: we all have to wake up sometime.
What about you? What was your wake up call from a relationship? How do you know when it’s time to let go?
Copyright 2013. Simply Solo blog by Catherine Gryp. All Rights Reserved.
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I wrote about a funny-ish but equally enlightening “wake-up call” today, too. I think we know when a relationship isn’t right but it takes that blatant, in-your-face kind of statement to really acknowledge it. Glad you had a Sandy 🙂
I think everybody has that moment. We tend to be blind when we are in love
Wow….LOVE IT!!!! the writer is so right. We all need that wake-up call however cruel and hurtful it may be. My wake up call is usually what I call the silent encounter.
Thanks!
I recognized myself in your story, same thing happened to me. In my case the honeymoon period lasted 3 months, just enough time for us to spend the holidays together. When we got back, he started to pull away. When I met him I was strong and independant, I became one of those clingy girls. In my case it lasted 3 years. Everytime I would smarten up and try to leave, he would start pulling me closer, and give me what I wanted. It’s been about a month now that It’s truly over, and I know it’s going to take some time. Thanks for the post it was great!
break ups can be hard but if you have accepted that its really over and moving on is the next best thing to do, it will be easier eventually.
I’m the wrong person to ask, because I was stuck in an off-and-on relationship for 4 YEARS with somebody who was truly an awful person…yet even when I learned about some of her lies, I stuck around. In retrospect, it was pathetic…but sometimes there’s no reasoning with the heart. What finally did it for me? One whopper of a lie – and a new girl myself. Best decision I ever made. We’re getting married in September. 🙂
good for you. maybe you just needed to have/put up with her (your ex) to learn about wrong relationships so you won’t fall back to old same mistakes and really have the relationships you deserve. congratulations and best wishes to both of you!
My story was a little different, as I was engaged to my fella. We’d been together, and I’d started seeing the little signs: him withdrawing, the feeling of feeling ignored. When I put voice to my feelings and questioned him, I got the usual, “it’s work”, “it’s not you it’s me”. We had what I thought was an insignificant arguement and two weeks later he dumped me and totally cut me off and out of his life. I was totally blindsided. I kept thinking I’d done something wrong, until a couple a months later he was literally with someone else new. Wash, rinse, repeat. Although I respected his wishes and I didn’t bother him after the split, he used every opportunity he had to crush me emotionally. He even seemed to take pleasure in my pain. The true wake-up call came when I was out in a public venue and ran into him and the new girlfriend. Although I saw him from a distance and never spoke to him, he used that brief sighting as an opportunity to get out of his current relationship. I got an threatening email from a girl I didn’t know (as he’d painted me out to be the stalking ex-girlfrined), and when he promptly dumped her, it became clear to me then: I hadn’t done anything wrong to deserve all of that. I’d simply chosen someone who I never had any business being with in the first place. I saw that whole experience as a lesson learned and even though it’s taken me almost 3 years to truly recover from that heartbreak, I’m a stronger much better version of me.
wow your ex is really jerk. i am just glad that you saw his true colors
It should have been when he said he would rather me sleep with as many guys as I wanted (while I was still with him) rather than ask him to let go of or regulate this ‘very special friendship’ he had with a new coworker. But it was almost two months later, when he asked after a few rough weeks for a ‘trial breakup… to see if he would miss me, or if he would just feel a huge sense of relief after I was gone.’
I left him the next day.
I am just really glad you decided to let go. It was like your ex is asking you to allow what ever “friendship” he has when he knows for a fact that he is just cheating and one clear thing he also wants you do which is very unfair is for you to wait for him so he’d have someone to get back with if this “special friendship” fails.
Gosh I can relate so much to this with my relationship with the ex of 3 years. He could be so awful and I found myself being the same way, clingy and just not myself! My wakeup call was when he was yelling at me after he moved out and looked me dead in the eye and told me that I didn’t deserve his respect – ever. Worse than a smack to the face after supporting him for 6 months while he was out of a job. Yea. I told him to get out and haven’t spoken to him since. Ugh it disgusts me to even think about it. Isn’t funny how after the fact you can “see the light” and ask yourself what you were even thinking? I spent about a year and a half not in a relationship at all after that and I swear it was the best thing I ever did for myself. Really taking the time to sort through those feelings and figure out what you really want is what we all owe ourselves! 🙂
if the person you love can say those things to you (bad-mean-disrespectful stuff), to even just hurt you or just because their mad, (get what I mean) any person should turn their back on that person and just walk away.
Woah! It was like I was reading my own story about my first relationship. But mine lasted 3 years 7 months including all cool off and break ups.
well at least you have a 3 years of learning experience unlike mine that lasted in a much earlier stage.
I recently found out that my ex has a new girl… a girl who is everything he said he didn’t want and has every bad quality I had that he broke up with me over. He also lied to me saying he didn’t have feelings for a girl. Then someone we both know told me he was in a relationship, then said he wasn’t, then said him and the girl aren’t even allowed to hang out or talk…I’ve been lied to so much that I have no idea what to believe but I finally had my wake up call.
The thought of him being with this girl is just…*shutters*. I can’t handle it. I’m done. We’ll never be together again and I’m finally moving on. Of course I hope he’ll see me and realize he made a huge mistake by treating me badly, letting me go, and choosing other girls over me. But for the first time in 2 years I’m choosing me…not him. And that feels amazing. 🙂 Thanks for sharing your story! I can relate.
it only means that you really deserve better.
I swear if i didnt know better id think I wrote this article. Its pretty amazing (and kinda crappy) that we’ve all been through it. Im happily married but unfortunately ill never forget the one i had tunnel vision for.
I’m glad that a lot of people can relate to my story.
Thank you for sharing this story!!!! My wake up call was a wedding invitation card; he was getting married to her, not me. *smile* I’d seen it coming for months but I just thought…. I guess I thought wrong.
It’s taken more than two years to get past that, and I’m a lot stronger now, embracing the pure, unadulterated affections of the person I’m with now.
Your post was real. I loved it, and I’ll be back.
xx
thank you that my article had helped you. don’t worry about it I know and I believe that we all have that one special person that is just for us.
I strongly believe that, and look forward to meeting him! Thanks again!
Wow, I really love this post. I would like to highlight that sometimes a wake up call doesn’t necessarily mean we can never be in the same situation again. I never had a wake up call after 4 years with an ex who would think nothing of slapping me in the face, or punching me. I simply left with not one incident but years of trying and hoping it would change.. Maybe the realisation that I couldn’t do anything to keep him happy made me leave, in the hope he would come after me. He didn’t. 3 years later & after building a successful career I finally let go & started a serious relationship with a colleague whos infidelity has consiquently cost us both our jobs.. He drove an ex so mad by lying & not splitting with her that she created hundreds of fake emails ( some claiming too be from me ) & sent them too my boss. Maybe this should have been the wake up call, or maybe when we came out of a gruelling 4 hour police interview & he received a text from his other ex who accidntily hadn’t split up with. Maybe when I saw the emails he was sending her just a couple of months ago?! What happens if we don’t receive a wake up call or we let our tunnel vision break us down???
I really love all your posts and relate to them so well!!!! This actually happened to me was in an off and on again relationship for 7 yrs and I got hit with a “Leave me alone I’m talking to someone else” the day before valentines day. Most crushing feeling ever but he’s told me that before and I’ve taken it back as ur post says I should let that be a more of a reason to move on but I can’t ;/ my feelings right now are to find who that someone else is and beat her up! But that won’t solve anything.. Anyway thanks for posting if anyone has advice for me shoot me and email – super sad girl
I love your posts too! I think that its so hard for us as women to let something go once, we’ve gotten excited about it and I hate having to cut ties because of something awkward like that! The other day I asked my friend if he could ever see us being “more than friends” and he said that he hadn’t thought about it….
What the HECK?!
We’ve been friends forever and I know that he’s thought about it. I guess that he is just being “nice.” Since I’m embarrassed my natural inclination is to delete his number and avoid him at all costs, BUT my pride is forcing me to end it slowly and painfully. sometimes having self-confidence sucks.
ok, enough about my rant! thank you for the post my dear! keep up the pursuit, you’ll find someone awesome.
Thanks for your post (and sorry for maybe bad English, I am not a native :)!) I can SO relate to your post and you got me thinking. I guess I still wait for that wake-up-call. Can it also sneak up on you, come in small pinches, hardly to feel? Then I DO have them lately. I think a lot on what is the “red line” all through my life, and it seems to be that I hold on despite all the bad treating, name calling, ignoring and disrespect. So I do realize this, for the first time,. With it comes a lot of pain, a tremendous sense of loss. Because: holding on to someone who does not love you in return can feel like dying insie. It makes me feel like rubbish.
@katcherrod, what you experienced with your friend I have too. I have been friend with him for 7 years, now we crossed that line of friendship by having sex, and now he is rejecting me, lying in my face that he never ever wanted more than friendship. H told me h wanted to live together, and wanted to have children, and now I feel so betrayed. Not that he apparently changed his mind, but that I, once again, cannot let go. So am still wating for that wake up moment. Thanks for sharing yours.
I’m a little coming to this post, but I love it! Just had one of those moments two nights ago, and I wrote about it on my blog that I just started this week.