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Surviving a Long Distance Breakup

January 17, 2013

Your guest blogger, Laura!

This week’s guest post is written by Laura Thomson-Bache, a British-born New Zealand marketing graduate planning on spending the next few years traveling the globe. Laura loves painting, all forms of chocolate and hopes to one day have a successful blog and PR career. You can read about Laura’s adventures on her Tumblr account.Quick shameless plug: Do you have a story to tell? Advice to offer? Did you just have literally the worst date of your life and you must write about it? I’d love to have you as the next Simply Solo Spotlight! Find out how you can be the next writer for Simply Solo here!

Simply Solo Spotlight: Surviving a Long Distance Breakup

I remember reading blog posts a year ago warning me of the turmoil long distance relationships bring. At the time, I was in the midst of head-over-heels love for my then-boyfriend. He would be moving back home to the other side of the world soon enough, abandoning me to finish my degree as he had finished his here in New Zealand. I remember thinking to myself, “We’re not like all those other couples. We’ll be able to handle the late night Skype sessions, the ongoing calls for hugs and kisses that won’t be answered. Our love is what keeps us together – not hands!”

A year later, and I’m coming up with excuses to encourage him to break up with me. I’m a wuss avoiding the potential burden of regret as the breaker-upper. I’m telling him I won’t be able to move to Canada for another year, it’s too expensive, it’s not going to work. And he agreed. He accepted what I said and we broke up. I cried over Skype, begging him to join me in my sudden resurgent wish to fix us, a mere grasp at straws for the fear of being alone and unloved. We haven’t spoken since.

Long-distance sucks, well and truly. Whilst in the relationship, the need for stronger trust and dedication to keeping in constant contact can be tiring and disillusioning. Whilst you’re getting ready for bed, they are just getting up, ready to do something with their day without you. The relationship is an attempt to mesh two worlds that don’t align. Because of this, I had made the decision after much brain wracking that I would visit him. Despite this decision requiring me to miss weeks of classes and spend all of my savings, I thought, “It’s worth it. This is the love of my life and we’ve come this far already. This is going to be an amazing trip that will cement our relationship’s strength and will create beautiful memories.”

Little did I know, whilst I was in Canada, the so-called “love of my life” would continue to display characteristics I thought would long be gone by now, characteristics that should disappear when you’ve put so much into the commitment of another from great distance. Something that shouldn’t be happening when this distance is finally closed and you have a long lovely month to appreciate each other’s company.

I was wrong. Touching up girls in sexually inappropriate ways, sending flirty sweet texts professing his love to girls who were not me; this was not what I signed up for. My mind was constantly thinking things over and spinning round in circles during my trip. If he was doing this while I was living in his home, what on earth was he like when I was back at mine on the other side of the world?! The demise of my trust for him was on its way, and by the time I had arrived back home, my trust was practically non-existent. Hence, I pushed us into arguments with lies that I couldn’t return to Canada, just so I didn’t have to deal with being called a “whining, complaining girlfriend” for bringing such “petty” things up as I had experienced before. He thinks we broke up because of the distance and the arguments. In reality, we broke up because I realized I didn’t deserve to feel like an idiot.

Considering I am usually an emotional wreck post-any situation that causes the slightest bit of stress, I have been recovering rather well over the past few months. I had this vision of my recovery post-breakup; an aftermath of countless months lying in bed and a red, puffy face stuffed with ice cream. The reality has been significantly less movie-esque. My heart sometimes aches, but instead of aching for him like I thought it would, it is more a deep sadness that he stole a year of my life. A year that could have been spent with someone who respected me enough to be faithful and wouldn’t crush my self-esteem in the process.

I have learnt a lot about long-distance relationships and the ensuing breakups. There are both pros and cons of having a breakup with a partner on the other side of the world. Whilst you’re not going to bump into your ex and your surroundings are unlikely to remind you of them, a relationship built so strongly on constant conversations and an emotional rather than a physical bond leaves you feeling empty inside when it is torn away, something a simple rebound just cannot replace. This however has forced me to seek new avenues to fill the void that is heartbreak. I’m planning my travels to new continents, signed up for classes over the summer, and I’m bettering myself day by day by putting time into me, rather than a dead relationship.

Having no contact has helped a lot, and is easier to maintain in a long distance breakup. No contact allows you to distance yourself from the memories rather than constantly creating new ones through ongoing conversations with an ex-partner about their new life without you! Simply block all avenues of online and mobile conversation and voila, you are free from the unwarranted misery that drunk dialling/Facebook stalking can cause.

As I graduate and figure out my plans for traveling the world, I’ve realised I don’t need my ex and I never did. I have put things into perspective and realised that if we stayed together, I would have moved to Canada to be with him. I would have been adopted by his friends, adopted as a part of HIS life – I wouldn’t be making mine. In long distance relationships, there is always this notion of sacrifice. I have learnt that although I’m willing to sacrifice money and time for a long distance relationship, I’m not willing to sacrifice my dignity, self-respect, or my life.

What’s the biggest sacrifice you’ve made to maintain a long distance relationship? Do you think recovery is easier or more difficult post-LDR breakup?


Copyright 2013. Simply Solo blog by Catherine Gryp. All Rights Reserved.

56 Comments leave one →
  1. January 17, 2013 8:40 am

    I’ve Mainly Had Long-Distance Relationships, So I Can
    Easily Identify With This Post. Thing Is, I Find They Work Better
    For Me. Not Because I Want A Long-Distance Relationship, But
    Because I Generally Have Better Luck Keeping The Other Person
    Around. Those Whom See Me More, Whom Spend More Time With Me,
    Always Seem To Be Chomping At The Bit To Escape. I’ve Yet To
    Figure-Out The Whole Relationship Gig, But I Remain Hopeful.
    Excellent Post, Fo SHO! -B.

    • Laura TB permalink
      January 17, 2013 10:47 pm

      I think if you can find a type of relationship that works best for you, then you should definitely go for it! You’re right – in long distance there is less likely to be that sense of getting sick of one another, as you are living your own separate lives. Its as if your long distance relationship is in a bubble of its own, a bubble made secure through internet and phone calls! All the best figuring out relationships, I think we all are in our own way!

  2. January 17, 2013 9:25 am

    Great post, Laura. Glad you are happy and making YOUR life awesome first and foremost.

    • Laura TB permalink
      January 17, 2013 10:51 pm

      Thanks Tori! Its a great feeling to know something so negative can impact our life and mindset so positively. Gives me hope for any future obstacles I face!

  3. January 17, 2013 9:57 am

    You are lucky that you found out in good time, Laura.
    Commitment is important in a relationship.

    • Laura TB permalink
      January 17, 2013 10:55 pm

      I couldn’t agree more, and its true for any type of relationship! Love is a two-way street. Certain road rules like commitment and trust make it a more secure and straight-forward path!

  4. January 17, 2013 10:00 am

    I don’t know is long-distant relationships should be
    specifically described as turmoil. It more fizzles out and die out
    because of the lack of physical contact. I really haven’t seen much
    turmoil opposed to a fizzle out into break-up land. And frankly, I
    don’t think anyone should get involved in such

    • Laura TB permalink
      January 17, 2013 11:13 pm

      Long distance relationships certainly do fizzle out with a lack of physical contact. However, issues with commitment and trust make it that much harder and can cause tumultuous breakups. It is so much easier to slip into worry and questioning in a long distance relationship as you’re living separate lives, and it is even more painstaking when there is no light at the end of the tunnel where you will be reunited. When a lack of commitment is involved, I feel there is definitely a mix of this ongoing turmoil and a ‘fizzling out’ of the chemistry! Thanks for your insight!

  5. 2NewBeginnings permalink
    January 17, 2013 10:15 am

    Long distance relationships are rough. I just married my long distance partner. Were there sacrifices , yes, but in the long run…well worth it and I got far more than what I sacrificed. There were times that you questioned or wondered what the other was doing….but through communication and yes sometimes tough talks, we were able to get through it and now have a wonderful life together. I really think you both have to know deep down that you are committed and want to be together in order for it to work. It can’t be one sided or one doing more to make it work. I am sorry you didn’t get that happy ending through yours, but seems you did learn a lot about your self and want you want out of a relationship. And ultimately that will bring the relationship that you deserve.

    • Laura TB permalink
      January 17, 2013 11:18 pm

      That’s so great to hear! I definitely believe long distance can work, but as you say, it is a matter of both pulling your own weight to achieve the best outcome of being together in the end. You both just have to want it enough. I also think having a common goal to work towards, that will see you coming together in one location permanently, is key. It can often be difficult however in mutually deciding when/where/how this will be. I’m happy to hear of a successful long-distance relationship and I hope more turn out similarly to your own! Thank you for your comment (:

  6. January 17, 2013 2:39 pm

    Long distance relationships CAN work – I’m living proof of that. But they certainly require exceptional levels of trust, commitment, and love. And without a doubt, you’ve got to make the time to see each other as often as possible. In the end, I believe they lead to a stronger overall relationship, because if you can survive the distance, there’s not much else life can throw at you that you won’t be able to handle. And best of all, you’ll conquer it together.

    • 2NewBeginnings permalink
      January 17, 2013 4:14 pm

      Completely agree with Mark. Living proof here as well. We are so much stronger because I believe the distance made us that way. Sometimes when couples get together, it’s all about the passion, attraction, etc that sometimes the communication lacks. When you are long distance, sometimes communication through phone, text, skype etc is all you got. It forces you to either build a strong bond or let go…

      • January 17, 2013 6:28 pm

        Exactly! We had phone conversations that would last an hour or two, every night, seven days a week, for six months. How can you not build a strong bond that way?

    • Laura TB permalink
      January 17, 2013 11:33 pm

      I totally agree! I have much respect for any couple that can survive a prolonged period of long distance as it requires a lot more work than those new to the scenario could imagine. You are right about it making you a stronger couple. Despite the lack of commitment that eventually came to light, I’ve never been so in tune with someone and felt a love so strong on an emotional level. You’re so bound to one another through conversation/thoughts/hopes/plans to be together, that the relationship becomes a much more engaging part of your life-plan, compared to a ‘traditional’ relationship where you see one another so much in your everyday life that its just a normal part of the present. Thank you both for your comments, I’m glad you’ve had successful and strong LDR’s!

  7. January 17, 2013 5:43 pm

    I was recently in a long distance relationship. I meet him while vacationing in Florida (I live in Georgia 5hrs away). Everything seemed perfect, we got along really well had lots of fun and were both crazy about each other. He asked me to move down to Florida to his beach house.. a dream come true. Well as I was working out my plans he was busy flirting with other girls. We ended up breaking it off since he meet someone else. At first I was hurt but then realized it was for the best. I didn’t need to live HIS life. I can only imagine how much worse it would have been if I had moved and he suddenly “meet someone else”. Glad you stayed true to you! Great post!

    • Laura TB permalink
      January 17, 2013 11:41 pm

      This is a great way to think! The best thing in this scenario is to remember that his life is of no matter to you anymore, that you have your own amazing life full of possibilities and better men! Its nice to know other people have been in similar situations to myself, and are thinking in the same positive way – thank goodness his unfaithful actions came just in time to save me from making the biggest mistake of my life! Thanks for the comment (:

  8. Russell Regulinski permalink
    January 18, 2013 12:52 pm

    Long distance relationships are literally terrible. I just recently got out of one myself with a girl who was studying abroad in London for the fall semester. We attend the same university which makes it a little more complicated I suppose. I agree with you all when you said everything seems fine, you do the midnight skype calls, the unanswered calls for hugs and kisses. I suppose that these kinds of relationships could work for a very limited amount of time, but you need that reassurance of being with them and trust that you just can’t get when you are stuck across an ocean without them. Great post, I enjoyed reading it!

    • Laura TB permalink
      January 20, 2013 2:21 am

      Yes you’re right – you really need that light at the end of the tunnel, and it has to be within reach, not something you are merely squinting your eyes in hope of seeing! There is definitely hope for long distance relationships if the circumstances are right. Thanks for your insight Russell!

  9. Jennifer Szescula Flanagan permalink
    January 19, 2013 1:47 pm

    I am so glad for you that you are making the decision to live your own life. This struck me as my husband and I were in a long distance relationship many years ago as we moved around the country and I did internships and what not.
    It took A LOT out of both of us. Some days was easier than others. Yes, it was worth it but it is difficult to have the balance of US and your own life when a long-distance relationship and two seperate lives are involved (especially when they are on opposing time schedules.) Some nights I’m sure we were both wishing we could go to bed, hang out with friends or just not have one more thing on the “schedule” to do instead of trying to make meaningful converation when we were brain dead – but we hung in there anyway.
    It does take a lot of trust and a lot of love. We were lucky in that. We were focused on living apart so we could live together eventually and were never much of going out people anyway.
    I wish you the best – I am glad that you have no contact as you are much more “free” to do what you need to for yourself.

    • Laura TB permalink
      January 21, 2013 12:05 am

      I definitely agree that having a lot of trust is vital to the survival of an LDR, and I’m glad you had lots in yours! I also think the scenario you are in plays a huge role. The paths you are on as individual people may have intertwined and allowed you to be together, but those paths certainly need to be running alongside one another to allow an LDR to work out in the end. Thanks for the kind words Jennifer! Being free and not weighed down by a life that is intertwined with mine from afar is a very liberating feeling!

  10. Angie and Annie permalink
    January 21, 2013 3:45 am

    Catherine, we really miss your blogging, can we expect something from you in near future?
    Guest blogging is nice, but most people came for you and your experiences. Thank you.

    • January 22, 2013 7:57 am

      Hey Angie and Annie – thanks so much for your comment. I do hope to write soon, I just have a lot going on right now and I’ve had to put the blog on the back burner to keep a little of my own sanity :). Soon though I hope to get a post up! Thanks for the push… I need it 🙂

  11. January 26, 2013 7:39 pm

    Catherine, I really enjoy your blog! It is awesome. My blog is…sad. Not good. At all. I don’t think anyone actually reads it, but I don’t care though. Keep up the awesome blog!

  12. January 30, 2013 2:48 pm

    I had long distance relationship for 6 years(did not see her for 2.5 years straight while doing my Masters in the USA while she is in India). It is the trust, mutual respect, mutual understanding which matters a lot…we were truthful to each other..I ask sometimes myself ,does love needs each other to stay close? I have written about love in my blog 🙂

  13. February 5, 2013 8:45 pm

    good post.. it can definitely be hard

  14. rimassolosailingaroundtheworldm permalink
    February 6, 2013 5:04 pm

    Thank you so much for sharing blog I really enjoy it to read and discover a new blogs

  15. February 9, 2013 1:03 pm

    My second relationship was with my then-bestfriend who moved to the other side of the globe and enlisted in the army. The relationship lasted for four months and took a lot of my time, attention and understanding.

  16. March 5, 2013 6:27 pm

    Reblogged this on My Escape 🙂.

  17. April 20, 2013 1:36 am

    Hi there! I could have sworn I’ve been to this website before but after reading through some of the post I realized it’s
    new to me. Anyhow, I’m definitely happy I found it and I’ll be
    book-marking and checking back often!

  18. May 5, 2013 9:25 pm

    Hey Laura! Beautiful post. I can relate to those feelings you experienced of losing that trust and being treated like garbage. Its brutal and painful. Something I learned from that experience is my value and how I need to be with someone who treats me the best. I feel true love is when two people are willing to hear each other out and make sacrifices to help the other person be happier. The trust can be easily shattered but sometimes we stay with that person thinking, “It will never happen again. That was just a once in a lifetime experience.” A sacrifice I’ve had to make for such a relationship is losing focus on other important aspects of life like my education, hobbies, friends, my happiness, and even family. Its painful coming out of such an emotionally connected relationship and filling that void. At first, its horrible. I decided to fill my time in with meaningful activities. I got much more involved in my university and started taking on several roles in organizations at it. Although that was a brutal experience I never want to go through again it has helped me become a better person. Again beautiful post! You have a gift for expressing your feelings Laura 🙂

  19. July 12, 2013 11:29 am

    Reblogged this on thekogm's Blog and commented:
    to be read… later… much later…

  20. Benedicta Lartey permalink
    September 20, 2013 5:50 am

    i cannot seems to get over it.seeing him post things to Facebook is aggravating everything.i am torn apart,i cannot focus in school anymore.
    but he is happy living his life.what do i do to move on with my life completely?.
    because i think is taking eternity to get over it.all the time i spent chatting with him,the calls i had to make even when i need that money for something very the extent of lying to mum in order to get money for him.
    i am rlly a mess right now dnt think i can trust anyone with my heart again because i am tired of getting hurt n taken for granted.

  21. Claudia permalink
    September 23, 2013 11:26 pm

    I just got out of a LDR. We met on holiday earlier this year, then went back to our respective countries. We spent four months of talking endlessly on Skype (despite the time zones) while I saved up to go visit him. We became incredibly close and were counting down the days until I arrived. I was there for two months, but shortly after I arrived he realised he wasn’t ready for a relationship and it would have to end when I got back to my country. I’ve been back for two months and it’s been awful. We tried no contact for a little bit, but we never talk, even though neither of our feelings have changed (apparently). From messaging and Skypeing for hours every night, then flying to the over side of the world to spend two months together, and now nothing. I don’t even think he’s sad. We planned a future together, and now I have nothing. I feel so alone.

  22. Rosne permalink
    November 13, 2013 3:32 pm

    Long distance relationships are exhausting and very emotional and break -up is much harder! So true what you said, it leaves you so empty inside! Had a few months of very intense LDR, he called 4-5 evenings per week, sent 4-5 photos, videos and super romantic messages on whatsapp. I did enjoy
    emotional connection and only looking at his photos reminded me the hot summer when we spent time together, but it was getting so intense and not easy as late skype sessions can be exhausting. He invited me to visit him for a few days and was so excited when I finally booked flights. 2 days after he told me that he would like me to meet his parents, romantic messages stopped. There was only : I need to tell you something when we speak on skype. He said he found it too difficult , he doesn’t want to see me for 5 days and then again no physical contact for 5 months was too much for him. Its only been 1 week but I m feeling terrible! I believed we can work on this distance but now just feel so empty and hopeless!



    sessions can leave you exhausted and Just a week buago

  23. November 20, 2013 2:40 pm

    Long distance relationships are really hard to handle, but the break up it’s even harder because you create all these ideas in your mind about how perfect everything is going to be when you get together,i had a long distance relationship for almost a year, we share so many dreams, i felt completely loved and secure, but after many fights he just told me it was over for him, he only needed a couple of days to realized that and that completely broke my heart 😦 i find it too hard to move on, this happened a couple of days ago, the emptiness that you have after being so emotional attached to someone it’s quite hard to handle. I believe in long distance relationships, because it’s just like any other one, you have to be committed to make it work. I hope i can move on fast enough to continue to my life because it’s hurting me really bad right now 😦 but it’s good to find a place where you can share and read what other people went trough to feel some support.

    • Rosne permalink
      November 27, 2013 5:51 pm

      Andrea, how are you feeling now? I totally understand how devastating it is, I m in very similar situation. The fact is that its so hard to find lasting connection with someone special even in the same city .And when you meet and spend wonderful time together and then go to different cities or countries but keep contact makes you

      emotionally attached to the

    • nzing keti permalink
      February 12, 2017 2:13 am

      I feel your pain. I’m just coming out of a ldr after two and a half year. We drifted apart. Occasional txt, phone calls stopped and I was giving more than getting in terms of romantic talk and sending money because hard times fell on him. I stop feeling appreciated and eventually realize I was afraid of being alone but was miserable and felt alone because of this emotions negative treatment. He finally said it was no more us. At first I felt hurt because of the emotional bond but deep down I knew i deserve better.

  24. Jay permalink
    December 1, 2013 7:15 pm

    I feel for you, Andrea…going through a long distance breakup myself with a girl from a different culture and country. We met on vacation. Introduced a friend I met there to her sister as well, and the 4 of us spent a good chunk of our time together. Met up with my ex on vacation again for New Years, and since then spent countless hours chatting/texting/Skype the past year….had planned to go visit her…my friend was there as well, visiting his girl (her sister). Days before my non refundable flight (application, invitation letter, and visa. all processed, gifts for her and her family), she broke things off. Was devastated…still am, and this was 4 mths ago!

    Found out through my friend that she started (or maybe was for a while) seeing her coworker the day after the breakup…and I believe they’ve moved in together and are planning to marry in a few months! Destroyed me! I’m trying not to communicate with my friend who’s still with my ex’s sister, b/c it’s just really hard knowing he’s still a part of their lives.

    Been through breakups but nothing compares to this. Perhaps b/c I felt she was the one. Cultural differences definitely played a role in our breakup. I just want to get through this and live life again, as soon as possible. Andrea, hang in there, you will be okay. Laura thank you for posting this information…it does help.

  25. chels permalink
    April 2, 2014 8:09 pm

    My LDR boyfriend of 3 months just broke up with me yesterday. I feel so devastated. I’ve given everything in this relationship to make it work. But still, he only sees the negative things in me. He calls me clingy, needy, and he accused me of not trusting him. All i am asking was some reassurance and i believe i deserve that! We text everyday, we Skype every other night but i feel he’s not interested at all. He cannot give his full attention when we Skype. He hides his phone when he reply to his texters. Should i not be worried about his actions? We had plans of moving in and spending the rest of our lives together. But now, he’s gone. I feel so lost and alone. I don’t know how to get over this sh*t i am into. 😦

  26. marta permalink
    June 1, 2014 7:24 pm

    Lond Distance sucks. He broke up with me , because he was constantly afraid of our future and money. It’s living alone together. He was weak and I was the stronger one. At the beginning of this kind of relationship its good to discuss pros and coins. If the other side has some doubts at the beginning, and is not completely sure, it will not work

  27. Lisa permalink
    June 27, 2014 4:05 pm

    Hi Laura,
    You and I sound very similar! I am just finishing my business degree in marketing as well and am starting to save up for my future prospective travels.
    It’s a shame to hear your boyfriend was a shameless jerk by texting and flirting with other girls. A sickening feeling to find out when you love someone so much! It makes you start to question your own self worth and what’s wrong with you when really, the only one with the problem is him for his lack of commitment.

    I was in a long distance relationship that recently ended. He broke up with me by just not talking to me for about 3 weeks. Very strange situation especially since we had been dating for 2.5 years. Even worse, just a couple weeks prior to him breaking up with me he sent me an email sayig how much he loved me and saw a stable future together, in an unstable relationship.
    I’m still heartbroken, and with the more men I meet my mind keeps wandering back to him. I’m going on a trip to Europe in a month and I’m not sure whether I will visit him. It may not be a good idea.
    I don’t know if I should bother to have hope or put all my efforts in to moving on and trying to get over it. I’m feeling confused because he still keeps messaging and calling me every couple days and ending his messages with love D***. Makes it hard to move on.

    My only thought is that is we are truly meant to be, he would come back to me and we would make it happen.
    Because a good friend told me “if they come back to you they are yours , and if they don’t they never were”.

    Thanks and I hope your travels are awesome 🙂 it’s nice to know there are other people similar going through tough things in life.

  28. Rin permalink
    July 23, 2014 11:41 pm

    I met this guy last Xmas in Thailand, he went back to London and me back to Hong Kong. We continued to talk then I visited him in London back in Mar, we had a wonderful two weeks time together. We officially became a long distance couple, he had been looking for a job, was feeling very stresseful. I was always there to support him and cheer him up by lovely messages and sending him little gifts. As a woman, I admit that sometimes I asked for more attention from him while he couldn’t delivery it on time that match my need. We had several arguments with that, but we always talked it thru. But, in one and half months ago, we started to have an argument again, he refused to pick up my calls, and was very angry that I kept on calling him while he was talking to job hunting agent ( while I thought he meant not to pick up) . There were misunderstandings, however, he refused to open for communication, that freaked me out, so I was acting a bit out of control. He then told me he needs space also with his new job finally in hand. So I was looking up many advises to improve myself and in a relationship. I was trying to be a better person and giving him space and time to cool off. I only sent him a few short messages to check how he’s with the new job, however, he never replied. I thought he will come back to me and we can at least talk about the whole things, after a month, still not heard from him, then I wrote to him and ask if we are already over or he needs more time. He then just replied to me that we should call it a day because he felt like this is not making us happy and he didn’t want to go on circles with arguments. I asked if we could speak on the phone or something, he strongly refused and said it’s not going to make this easier. My heart is so broken. But still I took a video to him to express my feelings and would to his decision and thank him had once came into my life and the good memories. I understand that you can’t make people to stay if they don’t want to, but, why you have to hurt others when you have to leave ????

  29. Duke permalink
    August 2, 2014 12:07 pm

    Have the similar story here….
    I broke up with my boyfriend whom i was seeing year and 3 months…..It wasn’t as you would say a very LDR because we were from two countries but only 4 hours away from each other. Im gay BTW and so is my boyfriend. We met on social media sites and started communicating very intensively and he was the one that suggested to meet up at his place (i wasn’t working at that time and dintnt have any money to visit) he send me some money to come and we met in person after 16 days of communication via Skype and FB…..
    Since then things were going great….we talked everyday on Skype send messages and i visited him very often…probably once in a month and stayed for 10-15 days….
    But i was in a lot of stress at that time i was not working and i had big financial problems so that left an influence on my boyfriend…he was very optimistic and tried to help me in very different situations by sending me money and so on… i didnt accept that very often and felt guilty of doing this and he felt that to ….so he kinda pushed away and rather staying connected we drifted apart…. We maintain to keep in contact for almost every day and he came at my place several times …met my family (mother) and my friends but the ones that knew of me….i know deeply that he loved me at that time and cared about me as much as i did for him…but i showed my feelings in rather bad way…constancy needing attention, nagging, being negative…this were the things i think that made us drift apart from each other…Despite this i think he still cared and wanted to be with me….we celebrated new year together and his and mine birthday together….
    The last time i went to visit him i stayed for almost 18 days…but things were very odd i would say…he was into me in emotions and caring but not in sexual ways….and even if that we didnt see each other for almost two months he didnt want to be intimate with me…that kinda bump me out and talked about it….Then he burst into tears and said that he loves me so much and cares about me but its not the same…..he is not in-love with me like he used to be, we started crying and talked about this issues…and he said that manny things has happened between us that made us drift apart….in the end we said we dont want to be alone in the gay world because its very hard to find and maintain a serious relationship in the gay community and we didnt want to be alone because what we shared was so much…..
    After that i would say that things kinda moved upwards….(he even did circumcision in order to ease the sex…because he admitted he was feeling pain sometimes and was not able to preform sexually)
    Time passed and on hour anniversary i was suppose to go and visit him but i got a job which was kinda relief for me but somehow i thought in myself how are we gonna communicate and see each other now….it was very painful….we talked and arranged to see once a week for 2 days….i was waiting for my first payment and he came to visit me and stayed for 2 days during a break from work..everything was great then….we had laughter, sex and so much….i really missed that in our relationship….a month passed and he was suppose to come during his vacation and stay at my place. some week before that he told me he wanted to go and work to Germany and make money to buy an apartment because he pays rent where he lives…..i was very upset and frustrated because the plan was for us to leave together….in the end the day when he was suppose to come he didnt…instead called me on Skype and said he is not coming and wants to break up with me of the same reasons that happened during my last stay at his place…he cares for me and loves me but not in love with me….i started crying and didnt believe that this was happening with us….i begged him to come and talk things over but he was determined not to come…and that was that…..he was crying also and feeling very emotional about it….
    That was the ending of my first very much serious relationship i ever had in my 30 years of existence…Some days have passed after the break up and he called me to check on me….we talked for 10 minutes on which i said i still care and miss him…he started crying and hang up the phone……its seems that he wants me to change some things in order to be together…at least that what it seemed on the first week during our break up…
    I called him the second week and he just said that he doesn’t want to be involved with someone else now and wants to be alone to figure things out for himself and us….
    later on he talked to a mutual friend of ours that he misses me and cares about me and wants to come and visit me to hug me and so on…..that made me cry (my friend told me that)….
    The last week since the break up was a hell for me….my mother found out that im gay and that i had serious relationship with this guy…that made my world crumble down…(his parents knew about him and i met them BTW…..) that is when we spoke the last time i told him about this and he said that is gonna be ok and things will work out….he is not ok as far as he says….drinks pills to sleep and is in pain sometimes …..but is alone i know that for sure…
    its been three weeks since the break up……we are in some kind of contact ….via FB and he still likes my stuff i post and pictures of me…..and that makes it even harder on me….im in a hell of a situation now…i cant sleep i cant eat…im anxious and in so much pain…i do still love him so much….and im basically a train wreck now…im crying all the time….feeling very depressed….i want to go and visit him but im afraid that that will cause him to drift even further from me…..
    Here i am writing this….at work now….feeling so lonely and sad of the break up….is it normal to feel this way…is there any chance of reconciliation!? I do pray to God every day to give me force to continue but im so weak…and so powerless now….my mom accepted me and feels with me and cries all the time….its somehow ive lost my will to live …..thats how im feeling….is it ok to feel this way!? and it was very serious……
    Here i am…living like a zombie….hoping to kope with this situation….
    Some advice….

  30. September 3, 2014 1:48 pm

    It goes like these

    I´ve been in this LDR for about 3 years,the first 2 years we were open since we didn’t have idea how to be together…we visited each other couple of times during this 2 years and we keep contact almost everyday as friends.
    After 2 years I had the option to go for a year to study to a city near his(2 hour by plane) .So I asked him to be serious about it , even thought we were still in a LDR. Everything was fine for some months. He was visiting me almost every month, but then he began to act strange like going everywhere with his mobile etc.. then after 6 months i realized he had met a girl at the same time that i moved to this new city, and the girl was super in love with him , asking him all the time to be more. he said he just meet her sometimes during the week when going to swim and that there was no more. i still got really hurt since we were talking almost every day and howcome he could keep this “ friend” so hidden? I tried to forget about it. after few months i went to visit him on his city and being there I found out that it wasn’t just a swim with this girl, but that they were doing trips, visiting in each other houses , camping , watching movies, going to café´s , to dance she has given him presents….etc …, it was a normal friendship right?
    So why he had to lie about it anyway??? Why he just couldn’t tell me… we were talking almost everyday how could he hide all this things? He had to lie a lot. After that I got sneaky and checked his mail and found out he went on a date with another girl and that he has been flirting and exchanging love mails with other girls, sporadically, but still hurts.
    Plus he was always talking about a future together, about moving with me, but he wasn’t doing anything about it.
    When I found out and confronted him. He went so crazy about telling me it was just the distance, that he did silly things , like the mails , but he never cheated on me , that I was his soul mate etc… I stayed with him 2 weeks more , and it was full of ups and downs, since I was pretty sad and hurt.
    The day after my return he asked me to visit him again, and I said we needed to stop and think cause we were arguing too much. Next day he send me a mail breaking up with me, I went away for 2 weeks with NC .Then we talked, he said there was too much bitterness in our relationship to keep going. I went away again on holydays for 15 days NC before returning to my home country . He text me before I took my flight back home and I called him to say good bye and ask him how he felt and how he wanted to leave things between us…. he said he couldn’t talk with me cause he was feeling too guilty, but he said he still have feelings for me…. Now I am back on my country and he has sent me cold messages saying that he hopes I am ok . I send him a mail asking to stop contacting me.

    I am way too confuse… he said I am his soul mate, but he doesnt want me to wait for him, that things are too bitter to plan on moving with me and that if he moves he doesnt want to feel preassure about it or keep me waiting..its so confusing.. he was the one who did everything wrong and I am up to make it work but he prefers to break up?

    Its been a week since I wrote that mail to him. I really want to go over this, but still wake up every morning whether angry or thinking maybe I was pushing him too much. Its awful.

  31. Shannon summerton permalink
    October 21, 2014 6:15 am

    I’ve just read your post and realised that this relates to me more than I imagined. I met a guy when I was away from home, I returned home and we continued to talk everyday, for weeks(phone calls, texts etc). I told him I wasn’t too sure about getting involved as i couldn’t see any way of it working but much to my dismay, he continued to persue me, telling me how much he liked me, and then of course I began to feel like I’d fallen in love with him. We went on and on about me visitng, everything was going perfectly until the texting and phone calls slowly stopped, with messages every so often, however these messages were continually flirty and suggestive. I finally did what you did and visited with the hope it would all go back to how it was, all seemed perfect at first until I realised he wasn’t bothered at all and was talking to other girls, barely making the most of our time together. I confronted him once I came home and it all just turned out to focus around how it couldn’t work because of the distance, but I thought it could? Now I’m left devastated, I feel torn apart and need to move on, problem is I barely talk to any guys anymore, and if some try to talk to me,I just feel sick by the prospect of someone else. So what do I do? How do I make this easier? I’m a mess with it all. Help 😦

  32. Nat permalink
    November 8, 2014 12:36 am

    I know this post is nearly two years old, but I’m recently going through a LDR breakup and I can really relate to this. It helped me realised things I already knew deep down but didn’t want to accept. I had made plans in my mind to leave my current life to go live with my then boyfriend, but as you said, I shouldn’t sacrifice something as important as MY life. I always had the pants in the relationship and he had hurt me very often. Even though he was the one who broke up with me and rven though it still hurts I’m kind of glad he did, because I probably wouldn’t have had the courage to end it and look for something (or someone) better for me, someone who’s able to love me properly, who won’t cheat on me like he did, who won’t leave me for another girl like he did.
    I finally realised I deserve better. After this super long comment, thank you so much for putting what my heart felt into words.

  33. December 14, 2014 8:35 am

    WOw people! reading this has made me not feel so alone in this quest!
    I/My LDR boyfriend broke last weekend. We had been known each for almost 6 years, been in a relationship for 2, off for another, and now we had been together again for 2 months after a trip together. We live in opposite parts of the world. We met online and then I had the opportunity of travelling to his country in a study trip, we dated, and thus it started. we travalled together a couple of times, I stayed at his place for a month, then we broke as he couldn’t see things working, and he said he had troubles with commitment. He just couldn’t commit with me at the moment.
    We went no contact many times, then decided to keep in touch as the non contact rule was not for us, but we weren’t on any terms. he tried to rebuild his life there but of course I couldn’t. after some talks and feeling of seeing each other, we agreed to go on holidays. During the trip we discussed our situation, and after expressing the desire of not losing each other we came on terms again.
    Everything was great for a month, but then I had to express him my need to see him again soon, to plan when to meet next and dunno, start moving forward to something different. I He started pulling away and being distant. I had to call him to initiate contact but he didn’t seem there. During this month a lot went through my life too and I felt so lonely without him accompanying me properly. So sad. I stopped talking to him for a few days and he would come back but as soon as I was nice to him or wanted to get close, off he went again. Too painful, the more when he knows how i react to rejection. He says I’m too up and down and he falls take longer than mine, and he was going trhough a mood. A long mood of a month which was destroying me.
    So just a week ago, he said we had become destructive and he didn’t want to lose me but he saw no other way than to go separate. I said this time it would be for good, he said just for the moment, but I don’t feel it is the right way.
    I have felt desperate these days. I don’t want to lose this person I love so much, but I want to move further in our relationship too. I dunno if I did wrong by asking to see him, or didn’t wait his times, I dunno.
    I’m just in pain. 😦

  34. Ethel permalink
    February 10, 2015 3:06 am

    This was a great post! My long-distance boyfriend just broke up with me because he said that he needs to focus on his studies and we had too much instability in our time together. We’ve been together for over a year and I’m flying over to spend 8 days with him to talk things through. A part of me feels like we had our shot and we should lay it to rest amicably. Another part of me would like him to step up and fight for the relationship again. He’s great and wonderful and we had a great year together. We’ve been speaking sporadically everyday and we haven’t had the chance to really experience the withdrawal yet. Confusing times!

  35. Betsy permalink
    February 12, 2015 11:03 pm

    It was almost the end of 2013 when I met my ex online. We didn’t spend so much time as friends before we became online lovers. We were one of those who lived in what they call “Online Long Distance Relationship”. It was my first time to fall inlove with somebody online and if what he said was true then it was also his first time falling inlove literally with somebody. I was 24 then and he’s only 18. The age difference didn’t bother us, not even the distance at that time. We were so inlove. There’s not a day that we’re not talking. If we’re not chatting or talking over the phone then we’re out there skyping. The beginning of the relationship was a bliss. I thought it would continue to be like that until we meet. 😦 Two months after we started having problems. He’s a good person but with a troubled soul. There’s always something wrong with his choices. He’s always in trouble with the law. Plenty of times I don’t even know what to do anymore. He would go to jail month after month after month. He was hooked up with marijuana. Despite everything I stayed with him, my strong emotions towards him compelled me not to leave. I never doubted our relationship, I’ve always thought our feelings were strong enough to make it through. But months after months after months he continiously broke my heart. I became confused whether it’s still worth it to keep the relationship or not. It hasnt even ended yet but I have already been brokenhearted. After a year of on again and off again, I finally made a choice to leave. I left hoping he would change for the better. But not even long before I broke up with him I found him already with someone else. The thought of him having sex with another woman makes me bkeed so bad. It’s very heartbreaking, I was hoping we’d still be able to go back together abd have a better and healthy relationship. It’s just too bad that we never got the chance to meet at all but I gotta deal with it. Maybe it’s better for me. Maybe we’re just not meant to be.

  36. Christy permalink
    March 30, 2015 5:02 pm

    Really great post Laura, you have a lot of insight. I just broke it off with my LDR boyfriend after 2.5 years of traveling back and forth to separate states. He was the one that made a greater effort in the relationship and was always talking about our future together. Unfortunately, I think for me it became more about the fantasy of what could’ve been rather than what really was. Due to the amount of time spent apart, we talked about what we were planning for our home together, the ranch we would buy, the friends we would make and the family get togethers we would have. The reality is that when we did see each other, the amount of time was so limited (usually just a weekend), we would spend it just trying to reconnect and then would realize that we didn’t necessarily have a whole lot else to say to each other. Afterall, we didn’t experience daily life with each other or share the same friends, go to the same family gatherings or share the same experiences. Every day is spent apart. Since the breakup, I have begun to realize that my difficulty in getting through this isn’t necessarily about missing him or the relationship, but about missing the fantasy of what could’ve been. I built up this wonderful life together, all in my mind during our long distance relationship and as we all know, fantasy is always much more exciting than reality.

  37. Mags permalink
    November 20, 2015 9:12 am

    This really is a great post and just what i needed to read. I was in a LDR for almost 8 years i live in london him USA. We met when i was 16 and then decided to be in a relationship being that young we couldnt afford to see eachother as much so in total we have sene eachother for rougly like a month in total.. He met my dad physically before we even got a chance to meet. He spoke to my dad and told him he wanted to marry me and everything recently spoke to my sister about proposing and what rings to get. My father passed away last year and i was with him the day before he died. we had a trip planned to see eachtoher but he changed his mind about three weeks before flight saying he was going to be really busy and if i could push back. i got really annoyed because i hadnt seen him since my dad died and really looked forward to seeing him. I told him i was upset that he wasnt there physically when my dad passed. I shouldnt have said that but now he says he doesnt see a future with me. he doesnt think we can work because hes realised that my family need me and he cant move as he takes care of his father. I dont understand how he could just do a 360 in space of weeks. we talked about the trip for months and he never mentioned being busy so i got upset and said that about my dad which i know wasnt fair to him. he accepted my apology and understood my point of view. but now he says he isnt sure it will work because he feels bad i would have to move even though that was our plan all along.
    But i guess i should let it go. I am 24 and he is 29. He says that he wants to marry but not yet he wants to enjoy ourselves and be together before that but i cant go to the states without being married else it would be really hard. He contacts me everyday and says how much he loves me and how he feels weird and that he has no hope. I have to let it go but it is so hard having spent all that time with someone and made all those plans. He was the only guy my father ever met before he died so its hard for me to let go. any advice.

  38. Justine permalink
    February 19, 2016 11:25 am

    I just broke up with a guy in NZ close to a week ago. The weeks leading up to it felt like torture. I knew something was wrong, I was distancing myself, he was reaching out more and then he started to drift away. I would see couples and hear about couples doing things together and I always longed for that relationship.
    I visited him a couple of times in NZ but he could never tell me how he felt about me and wouldn’t set a date to see me. When I was with him he would look at other women in front of me and strike conversations with them. I felt awful a lot of the time about this and he really knocks around your self esteem. I felt like I was strung along and I really didn’t know what he was doing, neither did he know what I was doing. The texts became less frequent, the calls literally stopped. He promised to call 3 times, and I would wait for them, only to be let down with no explanation and him being unreachable.
    I’d ask him why he didn’t call the excuses were phone problems, no internet coverage etc. In the end I started to question was this what I wanted, a year of stringing along, a guy that can’t tell me how he feels towards me and can’t tell me when he will come see me next, and when asked the question was avoided or he would say that cause of his new job he would have to prove himself and wouldn’t be able to get leave for 5 months or most probably a year. I couldn’t wait in hope and he could of seen me in the weekends he had off as NZ was only a 3hr trip and I had done that to see him.

  39. Lee permalink
    October 9, 2016 2:34 pm

    Hi. Today I broke up with my ldr bf. We went out for 8 months until he went to work in China 2montha ago . I wanted ua to split but he refused . he left and September he changed. He was busy didn’t post anything about us on wechat or fb. So I got suspicious. My friend asked his contact today bcoz she felt he is playing a game. Well. He is chatting with other girls in China and have been for the past month. I called him like a crazy person bcoz he ignores me for days. I thought something happened. Well he called and I just said whatever. And blocked him. Changed my number and deleted him from everywhere. I’m very hurt and very sad bcoz he gave me a ring. Now we are over. Its public and he thinks I’m just threatening again. I dumped him. I told his mom and sister and my family. I never want to see him ever again.

  40. Nechama permalink
    April 20, 2017 2:56 am

    I’m a senior living in U.K. I’ve just ended a 5 year ldr with a guy who relocated to Israel where I AM a frequent visitor! Intellectually we were on the same texting Whatsapp page- and most other pages. But did I want a Whatsapp buddy/pen friend? No. Nothing replaces closeness! And starting over at this age is probably a no no!

  41. Sydnee permalink
    August 20, 2017 7:00 pm

    I’m on the exact opposite side of the world in the same boat. Kudos to you for making your needs known. The guy in currently dating is currently here in the US, he’s from AU and his family is from NZ. I met him on a train to Oregon to meet my friend and her new boyfriend 2 summers ago. He just flew out for that very friends wedding this past week and jettisoned off right after. He’s right near where I am in SF and doesn’t really even contact me other than to say that his phone is dying and that he had a good night with the friends he staying with. I don’t see this working out, I don’t see him changing and magically making it work because there has been very little conversation around that. He suggested I move out to where he is when he’s here and can’t even see me I don’t see that remotely being a possibility.

    My nerves are done so I’m ending this drawn out torture.


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