July 10

Oh, hello there. Nice of you to stop by. As you probably know, today was supposed to be my wedding day. You should be ashamed if you came here to see my emotional breakdown – kind of like a car wreck that you just have to look at when you drive by. And, if those were your intentions, you are in luck. Let the fun begin.

I can’t put into words how hard these past few months have been, and they all led up to this day. My wedding was going to be friggin’ amazing. I was so in love and unbelievably excited to spend the rest of my life with the person I’d spent seven happy years with. I had my dream dress, my dream location, the colors I’d dreamt of since I was a little girl, everything was pretty darned close to perfect. But obviously, something was sorely missing, and we cancelled the wedding. Immediately after the breakup, I went to talk with a counselor because I just needed to hear an outsider’s perspective. He said something to me on that day that has stuck with me through this entire journey. When telling him how sad I was (and frankly, embarrassed) to be cancelling the wedding, he said: “It’s kind of like you want to buy a new car. You’ve shopped online, watched tons of car commercials, read all the reviews and you just can’t wait to get the new car. You even know what color it’s going to be. But then you find out the car doesn’t have an engine. Do you still want to buy the car?” Obviously not. And my wedding, my relationship, didn’t have an engine.

Going through this has really helped me put some perspective into my life and my relationships (all of them, not just romantic). I’ve learned who my real friends are, and people came through for me in ways that I could never have imagined. My support system of friends and family are more amazing than I can put into words. And you, blog readers (those of you who comment and those of you who are just lurking), have helped me too. It’s nice to have a voice and place to share what I’ve been going through, so thanks for coming here week after week.

My counselor suggests that instead of looking at today as a sad day – as the end of something, the death of my relationship and what was supposed to be the happiest day of my life – to look at today as a celebration. A celebration that I didn’t make the wrong decision and go through with the wedding. A celebration that I have a chance to start over, to be a better person, to meet someone who is really right for me and to lead the life that I was intended to lead (and maybe if the breakup hadn’t happened, I may have never led the life I was supposed to).

I know that getting married today was not what was intended for me. I’m not really close with my higher power, but I believe that things happen for a reason – and my relationship with my ex fiancée came to an end for a reason, and my higher power helped me see the light and the truth. And I think it’s more than just to give me a chance to find someone else that will love me better, treat me well and help me live happily ever after (happily ever after-ish, actually. Cause life is not a fairytale). I think this happened so I could reprioritize and take my life back. I have strengthened relationships that I didn’t even realize needed to be strengthened. I’m learning to stop being such a homebody and enjoy life again. I’m reading and watching much less TV (and no more of those brain draining wedding shows!). And I’m writing, a passion of mine that I all but forgot about. And perhaps most of all, I have learned that I am a survivor. This has not been easy, but here I am. I haven’t jumped off my second-floor balcony, gotten fired from my job, upped and moved to Canada because I just can’t handle my life and most of all, I haven’t gone back to my ex because I’m so desperately scared of the uncertainty of my future. And I’m having more and more days of no tears, lots of laughs and incredible people in my life. I’m extremely lucky.

So thank you to all of you for helping me through this journey. And guess what? Today is a celebration. I’m starting over. Thank God. And as much of a planner as I am, I’m pretty excited not to know what the future holds. I have a feeling it’s going to be remarkable.