Ghosts of Boyfriends Past (Part 1)
So, in this post and the one that follows, I’m going to spend a few minutes going through the handful of men I’ve dated in my illustrious dating career. You should note, going in, that I use the term “dating” very loosely. Many of the men prior to my ex fiancée consisted of just making out at parties. I have a small confession to make: When I was younger, I was a kissing whore. I absolutely loved kissing and would willingly make out with a different guy every other weekend. Part of this was that I was pretty overweight growing up, so male attention made me feel like I was something special. I’m just happy years and years of sex education and after school specials kept me from taking this need for attention to the next level and becoming an actual whore – I can live with being a kissing whore. So without further delay, I present you with my Ghosts of Boyfriends Past (Part 1):
College Guy – College Guy showed me lots of attention, told me he loved me, about everything a girl could want. But, he partied too much for my liking, and part of me just never really felt for him the way he felt about me (although I really wanted to). We did have lots of fun talking via AOL IM while he was away at school, and I was able to visit him a few times, which was a blast. The parties I attended with College Guy were actually some of the only college parties I’ve ever attended (my own college experience was pretty lackluster), and it definitely felt cool to be included, considering I was much younger than the crowd. But at the end of the day, I liked him better far away – on the phone, IMing online, but when he was with me, I sort of lost all interest.
Cheater, Cheater, Pumpkin Eater (CCPE) – CCPE was the first guy to really break my heart. He cheated on me, how’d you guess? Interestingly enough (and I never said this story was going to be flattering), CCPE was College Guy’s brother. I know: I suck. You’ll think I suck even more when I tell you that they have another brother that one drunken night kissed me as well. That story isn’t so fun, because shortly after he kissed me, he puked on the floor. I’m THAT good of a kisser. There is a fourth brother that I have never kissed, thank God. I already feel pretty gross about kissing three out of four brothers.
Anyway, we used to all hang out at CCPE’s house, and it was a party every weekend. So, let’s just say there was some incestual hooking up. Anyway, I thought that I loved CCPE (although, looking back, I’m not sure I knew what love really was at the time). We were together for about a year, but much of that time we kept it on the down low because there was a significant age difference, and um, I had previously been dating his brother. When CCPE ultimately cheated on me with three different women (which was probably easy for him to do considering the secretive nature of our relationship), we were done. When this relationship ended, I was devastated, lost a ton of weight and found a love for flirting that I’d never had before. Once I picked myself up from my Felicity marathon and seemingly endless tears, these next guys came fast and furious, let me tell you.
Ring Guy – Well, I don’t remember hardly anything about Ring Guy. Frankly, all I can remember is I wore his class ring on a necklace and we used to hang out in the attic of his parent’s house where I’d listen to him play the guitar for hours. I continued to party at CCPE’s house after the breakup (bad idea), and in hindsight, I probably just dated Ring Guy because I wanted to make CCPE jealous. I can remember that ring like it was yesterday – it was massive. It looked like I had some kind of weird growth on my chest when I wore it beneath a high-collared shirt. Very attractive. I can’t even tell you why/when that relationship ended, but I don’t have the ring anymore, so it must have. Unless Ring Guy is out there pining for me somewhere and I never adequately ended things …
Nice Hair Guy – I met Nice Hair Guy when I was working as a cashier at Food Lion. He came in almost daily, purchasing the most random of items. Sometimes it was beer, sometimes a lone tooth brush, sometimes just an onion – never any significant groceries. And, he would always go through my line, no matter how busy it was. After some flirting, me in my khaki pants and Food Lion blue shirt, him with his fabulous hair, we went out a few times. Nice Hair Guy had chin length, brown curly hair – it was beautiful. It was like a Pantene commercial. I was enamored with his hair. I was jealous that his hair was nicer than mine. I wanted nothing more than to run my fingers through his hair – for hours, days even. One day, he brought me back to his apartment. And I found he had no furniture. Literally no furniture. He had an air mattress in his bedroom and that was it. He told me that he spent his money on travel and “life,” not furniture. He tried to initiate us making out on the floor in the living room, and no matter how nice his hair was, I just couldn’t get into it. I can still remember how uncomfortable the cheap carpeting was. Once I made it clear to him I would not be sleeping with him, not that night and probably not ever, Nice Hair Guy disappeared. I always wondered where he went for his onions and beer after that, because I never saw him at Food Lion again.
HOT Gym Guy – Oh, HOT Gym Guy. I can’t tell you enough how hot he was. He was probably the hottest guy I’ve ever dated. This was right after I lost a lot of weight, and probably my first ever attempt a reckless flirting. I was doing some tricep exercises at the gym one day, and out the corner of my eye, I saw one of the nicest bodies I’ve ever seen. In a strange act of courage, I walked right up to him and said, “I think you’re hot. Just wanted to let you know.” Before he left the gym that day, he asked for my number. We went out a few times. This guy actually had furniture, which was a plus. He was a military guy, which also was a plus for me at the time, because I found military guys incredibly attractive. But, every time we hung out, he kept directing me back to his bedroom. It was as though his living room furniture didn’t even exist! After about four dates, he asked me if we’d be having sex soon. Once I told him no, he pretty much stopped returning my calls. Are you guys seeing a pattern here? He did, however, attend my high school graduation party, which was the last time I saw or heard from him.
Next time, I’ll tell you about My One High School Boyfriend, The One Who Got Away, Short Guy and how I met my ex fiancée.