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Ghosts of Boyfriends Past (Part 1)

October 18, 2010
It occurred to me over the weekend that this blog is about two posts shy of including my entire dating history. So, I figured, why the hell not – go big or go home. I thought it might be interesting to have my entire (not very long) dating history reflected on this blog. Not that I’ll want my kids to read it someday or anything, but at least my readers will have the full background on my romantic experiences.

So, in this post and the one that follows, I’m going to spend a few minutes going through the handful of men I’ve dated in my illustrious dating career. You should note, going in, that I use the term “dating” very loosely. Many of the men prior to my ex fiancée consisted of just making out at parties. I have a small confession to make: When I was younger, I was a kissing whore. I absolutely loved kissing and would willingly make out with a different guy every other weekend. Part of this was that I was pretty overweight growing up, so male attention made me feel like I was something special. I’m just happy years and years of sex education and after school specials kept me from taking this need for attention to the next level and becoming an actual whore – I can live with being a kissing whore. So without further delay, I present you with my Ghosts of Boyfriends Past (Part 1):

College Guy – College Guy showed me lots of attention, told me he loved me, about everything a girl could want. But, he partied too much for my liking, and part of me just never really felt for him the way he felt about me (although I really wanted to). We did have lots of fun talking via AOL IM while he was away at school, and I was able to visit him a few times, which was a blast. The parties I attended with College Guy were actually some of the only college parties I’ve ever attended (my own college experience was pretty lackluster), and it definitely felt cool to be included, considering I was much younger than the crowd. But at the end of the day, I liked him better far away – on the phone, IMing online, but when he was with me, I sort of lost all interest.

Cheater, Cheater, Pumpkin Eater (CCPE) – CCPE was the first guy to really break my heart. He cheated on me, how’d you guess? Interestingly enough (and I never said this story was going to be flattering), CCPE was College Guy’s brother. I know: I suck. You’ll think I suck even more when I tell you that they have another brother that one drunken night kissed me as well. That story isn’t so fun, because shortly after he kissed me, he puked on the floor. I’m THAT good of a kisser. There is a fourth brother that I have never kissed, thank God. I already feel pretty gross about kissing three out of four brothers.

Anyway, we used to all hang out at CCPE’s house, and it was a party every weekend. So, let’s just say there was some incestual hooking up. Anyway, I thought that I loved CCPE (although, looking back, I’m not sure I knew what love really was at the time). We were together for about a year, but much of that time we kept it on the down low because there was a significant age difference, and um, I had previously been dating his brother. When CCPE ultimately cheated on me with three different women (which was probably easy for him to do considering the secretive nature of our relationship), we were done. When this relationship ended, I was devastated, lost a ton of weight and found a love for flirting that I’d never had before. Once I picked myself up from my Felicity marathon and seemingly endless tears, these next guys came fast and furious, let me tell you.

Ring Guy – Well, I don’t remember hardly anything about Ring Guy. Frankly, all I can remember is I wore his class ring on a necklace and we used to hang out in the attic of his parent’s house where I’d listen to him play the guitar for hours. I continued to party at CCPE’s house after the breakup (bad idea), and in hindsight, I probably just dated Ring Guy because I wanted to make CCPE jealous. I can remember that ring like it was yesterday – it was massive. It looked like I had some kind of weird growth on my chest when I wore it beneath a high-collared shirt. Very attractive. I can’t even tell you why/when that relationship ended, but I don’t have the ring anymore, so it must have. Unless Ring Guy is out there pining for me somewhere and I never adequately ended things …

ring, senior ring, high school ring

Can you imagine me wearing a ring this size on a necklace? Good lord, what was I thinking? Photo courtesy of Tyler

Nice Hair Guy – I met Nice Hair Guy when I was working as a cashier at Food Lion. He came in almost daily, purchasing the most random of items. Sometimes it was beer, sometimes a lone tooth brush, sometimes just an onion – never any significant groceries. And, he would always go through my line, no matter how busy it was. After some flirting, me in my khaki pants and Food Lion blue shirt, him with his fabulous hair, we went out a few times. Nice Hair Guy had chin length, brown curly hair – it was beautiful. It was like a Pantene commercial. I was enamored with his hair. I was jealous that his hair was nicer than mine. I wanted nothing more than to run my fingers through his hair – for hours, days even. One day, he brought me back to his apartment. And I found he had no furniture. Literally no furniture. He had an air mattress in his bedroom and that was it. He told me that he spent his money on travel and “life,” not furniture. He tried to initiate us making out on the floor in the living room, and no matter how nice his hair was, I just couldn’t get into it. I can still remember how uncomfortable the cheap carpeting was. Once I made it clear to him I would not be sleeping with him, not that night and probably not ever, Nice Hair Guy disappeared. I always wondered where he went for his onions and beer after that, because I never saw him at Food Lion again.

HOT Gym Guy – Oh, HOT Gym Guy. I can’t tell you enough how hot he was. He was probably the hottest guy I’ve ever dated. This was right after I lost a lot of weight, and probably my first ever attempt a reckless flirting. I was doing some tricep exercises at the gym one day, and out the corner of my eye, I saw one of the nicest bodies I’ve ever seen. In a strange act of courage, I walked right up to him and said, “I think you’re hot. Just wanted to let you know.” Before he left the gym that day, he asked for my number. We went out a few times. This guy actually had furniture, which was a plus. He was a military guy, which also was a plus for me at the time, because I found military guys incredibly attractive. But, every time we hung out, he kept directing me back to his bedroom. It was as though his living room furniture didn’t even exist! After about four dates, he asked me if we’d be having sex soon. Once I told him no, he pretty much stopped returning my calls. Are you guys seeing a pattern here? He did, however, attend my high school graduation party, which was the last time I saw or heard from him.  

Next time, I’ll tell you about My One High School Boyfriend, The One Who Got Away, Short Guy and how I met my ex fiancée.


26 Comments leave one →
  1. October 18, 2010 9:09 am

    Absolutely loved reading this. I will try find the time to read the ones that come before. I look forward to reading Part 2:)

  2. October 18, 2010 10:09 am

    Thanks for reading and commenting!

  3. October 18, 2010 11:13 am

    I once bought a single jalapeno pepper at the grocery store. My total was 3 cents. The cashier looked at me funny, which made me want to whip out my debit card just because, but I refrained.

    Looking forward to reading about the others!

    • October 18, 2010 1:59 pm

      Mark: LOL, that’s pretty funny. You have the same shopping habits as Nice Hair Guy 🙂 You totally should have written a check!

  4. October 18, 2010 11:26 am

    Wonderful piece, Catherine. And great descriptions, kind of reminds me of Nick Hornby´s High Fidelity list of break-ups. It´s kind of funny how selective our memory is concerning our ex-boyfriends, sometimes we remember few phrases he used, sometimes the familiar perfume we used to hate/love/tolerate, sometimes nice hair (definitely more often than nice manners:/ But what I always DO remember, is our song. I have attributed one song /or more in case it was serious bf to every single guy I dated. Song we used to dance or listen to, songs that described him/my feelings/our relationship. I don´t exactly remember my first childhood crush´s middle name and I wouldn´t probably recognize his face nowadays, but I will always remember our song. Being born in 1985, I feel kind of ashamed to reveal the name of the song on this blog:)

    • October 18, 2010 2:06 pm

      Elle: Thank you! I haven’t seen High Fidelity list of break-ups, but now I’ll definitely have to check it out.

      As far as smells – I remember, distinctly, how much my ex fiancee smelled. I miss it sometimes. But, a lot of the way he smelled was the fact that I picked out his cologne every Christmas!

      Oh I love the song idea! Not just “your song,” but the song that reminds you of them. I have a few of those for some of these guys. For CCPE, it was this song by Pink talking about how “you can’t take me home to Momma, because she won’t think I’m proper – should have thought about that before you f*ed with me.” LOL…. because of our age difference, he refused to introduce me to his parents!!

      I was born in 1985 too! Do tell the song… I’m anxious to hear it. Please tell me it’s not Hanson’s MmmmBop. 🙂

      • October 20, 2010 7:09 am

        No, it was even worse. Much worse. Although I do remember loving (and brief moment later hating) Hasbro toys known as Hanson boys:)

        I plan to design my own Hall of Fame, my top twenty countdown associated with my former boyfriends, friends and platonic objects of adoration:) Some lucky guys are associated with Oasis or Nirvana, one unlucky boy will always be remembered by the one hit wonder Cotton Eye Joe by Rednex (if you know, you know, if not, don´t youtube it. I warned you.:) Based on my brutal taste for music at the innocent age of ten, I should probably call it Hall of Shame instead, there were some boybands and some bands that must not be named even now:) My keyboard would literally blush. 🙂

        P.S. Spilling the beans just for this once: Take That: Back for Good. Come on, I was like eight…:)

        • October 20, 2010 1:00 pm

          Haha!! I forgot about “Take Back: Back for Good”…. just listened to it on YouTube. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5cLExchcn4
          I love the music you’ve chosen to chronicle your romances! I gotta admit, I’m curious how Cotton Eye Joe got connected to a guy… lol 🙂 Was his name Joe? Did he have a penchant for dancing to that song (on anoter note, at the lake, they have a special dance that goes with that song – who knew??)
          Thank you for sharing!

  5. Just Saying permalink
    October 18, 2010 12:11 pm

    NICE!

    Cant wait for part 2

  6. Matt permalink
    October 18, 2010 3:53 pm

    Maybe Nice Hair Guy saw all shopping as a chance to find dates – buying fewer things at a time meant more interactions with you! And after things didn’t work out with you he had to try his luck elsewhere.

    As for that ring, it looks like it belongs in a film with dragons and swords and wizards! But maybe I only think that because we don’t have class rings here in England.

    • October 18, 2010 4:04 pm

      Ahhh that’s probably EXACTLY what he was doing! Can’t believe I didn’t think of that. Wonder if he went store to store, buying one item at a time?

      You should feel BLESSED you don’t have class rings in England. I have to tell you, they are ridiculous. Girls’ rings are a little smaller, but they are still hideous in general. And to think, because everyone was doing it, I shelled out $250 on my high school class ring. I haven’t worn it since 2003. LOL.

      I also dated another guy (recently) who wore his college class ring, because he went to a pretty prominent college and thought it was good for networking. The thing must have weighed at least a pound. Not very attractive at all. When I called him out on it, he got a little pissed. Maybe I should move to England?

  7. October 18, 2010 11:07 pm

    “because shortly after he kissed me, he puked on the floor. I’m THAT good of a kisser.”… HA HA HA!! I guess that’s what happens when you’re a kissing whore. You get lots of practice!

    • October 19, 2010 6:09 pm

      LOL! Some of the practice I wish I didn’t have… such as that example!

  8. October 19, 2010 1:49 am

    My jaw literally dropped when you said you dated CCPE’s brother and made out with another brother. HAHAH I love it!!
    -Gizzy

    • October 19, 2010 6:10 pm

      LOL. Sometimes, in a weird, sick way, I want to kiss the fourth brother. Just to complete the set. Like I’m a collector or something! 🙂

  9. October 19, 2010 10:43 am

    Aaaah this is awesome! Can’t wait to read part 2! My dating history is no where near as interesting, but I too love my making out 🙂

    • October 19, 2010 6:10 pm

      Thanks! Oh don’t worry – this is about all the history I’ve got. Not so interesting for 10 years of dating… LOL! Part two comes Wednesday morning 🙂

  10. October 19, 2010 11:57 am

    I’m very glad you had hot gym guy. Everybody needs that once. And a soldier? Good God. Bottle and sell him.

    I too had a CCPE. He was, guess what, a soldier, and a hot gym guy, and a fabulous dancer, and he cheated on me with two of my sorority sisters. And now we’re friends on Facebook, so go figure.

    Fun post, Catherine! Happy Tuesday.

    • October 19, 2010 6:14 pm

      Ohhhh soldiers are yummy. I really was convinced I was going to end up marrying a guy in the military!! Oh well. I didn’t want to have to sacrifice my career to travel for someone else’s anyway… (that’s what I tell myself. And then I see a buzz cut, and I’m done for. LOL)

      That’s interesting that you had a CCPE too – sorry to hear it. And your sorority sisters, the gall of that guy! 🙂 I think almost all of us had a CCPE, to some extent or another. And I’m still friends (ish) with my CCPE. It took a couple of years for me to get over his cheating, but now we talk sometimes and hang out. And, we’re friends on Facebook too! Facebook means all is forgiven, right? Haha

  11. October 19, 2010 7:49 pm

    OMG lol sound like the guys in my past. if i didn’t talk about the bedroom they disappeared. sorry, if you’re looking for a whore i’m the wrong girl…

    Girl..your CCPE hookup and connections… i don’t think we meant connections literally! lol

    • October 20, 2010 5:14 pm

      Exactly! How about we not visit the bedroom until I say it’s all good? How about anything that’s worth it, is worth waiting for! Thanks, xoxo.
      LOL on CCPE. You don’t even know the half of it. 🙂

Trackbacks

  1. Ghosts of Boyfriends Past (Part 2) « Simply Solo: Single girl starting over – follow the journey
  2. Baggage « Simply Solo: Single girl starting over – follow the journey
  3. Catherine’s Dating Resume « Simply Solo: Single girl starting over – follow the journey
  4. Cheaters Never Prosper … Or Do They? « Simply Solo: Single girl starting over – follow the journey

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