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September 30, 2010
leap, fall, cliff, jump, people jumping, falling

Photo Courtsey of Stuart Anthony

For the past two weeks, I’ve felt like I’m on a ledge. I’m not sure how I got up here, but suddenly I’m looking downward into the abyss – uncertain what exactly is down there, certain it’s a long way down.

I stand on this ledge, daring myself to jump. Wanting to want to jump. Wanting someone else to push me off, to make it all so much easier. Then there is part of me that wants to get carefully down from the ledge, what in the hell was I thinking getting up here anyway? It reminds me of the feeling I had when I was a kid and I climbed up to the diving board. Never the courageous child, I still wanted to fit in with the other children (I aspired to be a cool kid) and jump off the high diving board. I would climb up the wet, slippery stairs, every step bringing me higher and higher. About halfway up, I wonder what in the world was I thinking, there’s no way I can jump. I feel an urge to start to climb back down, but then there is another kid below me on the stairs, so there is no climbing down, just up … up … up. At the top, I hear words of encouragement from my friends down below, and I know there is no way off this diving board but to jump. That’s how I feel right now. However, should I have ever climbed up this far? Am I ready to jump? What will be the consequences?

Things have been getting serious with Chef, and suddenly I’m on the ledge. Should I stop dating? Should I give this a serious try? How did I let this get so far, when I’ve clearly stated (in writing on this blog, no less), that I’m not ready for a relationship? Standing on this ledge, confused, scared, excited, I don’t know what to do.

Chef has asked me to stop dating other people; he’s falling in love with me. Yes. I feel that. I’m falling too. I can’t imagine how he must feel when I go out with someone else, much less make out with someone else. I get jealous of the servers at his restaurant, for goodness sake. He mentioned a girl, a Russian yoga instructor, no less, that hit on him, and I am anxious. Will he like her better? Will he get tired of me being unavailable? Why am I suddenly so worried I’m going to lose him?

Chef says I make him happy. He has such a busy schedule and now I find him in my house, in my bed, two nights in a row. Yes.

I think about all that comes with this relationship, and suddenly I feel panicky over the details. Will he call me his girlfriend? Do we need to change our relationship status on Facebook? No. No. Not what I want. I miss those things with my ex, but I’m not ready to have those things with someone else. I’m not ready for the congratulations of my updated status. I’m not ready to define what any of this is in the terms that we’ve all learned as a society. If I had to choose, I’d say “In a relationship, and it’s complicated.” Definitely not a good start.

He wants me to meet his family, but we haven’t talked about when or where … it’s more of a general announcement, “I want you to meet my mother.” Yes. I want to meet someone so important to you as well. I want to see where you come from, who you really are. But what are the implications of meeting someone’s mother, when I still miss my ex fiancee’s mother? When I still think about his family, wonder how they are doing, sometimes miss them almost as much as I miss him? They were my second family for seven years. We went through kidney transplants, cancer, countless barbeques, wedding preparations, religious fights and lots of laughter. Those moments are still such a part of me.

I’m standing on this ledge, and Chef wants me to just be with him. I can’t tell if it’s jealousy, because he goes back and forth on what he really feels. Sometimes, he doesn’t think we are ready. He points out that three months ago, I was supposed to be married. He always moves too fast in his relationships. He comes and he cooks for me, we watch terrible TV and we laugh. He brings Casablanca; he agrees to watch the awful movie Dear John with me. We fall asleep in each other’s arms. Yes. We have discussions about what we want out of a partner, and I learn he could propose to the right person in just a year. No. A year … that’s a drop in the bucket of what I had with my ex, and that obviously didn’t work out. A year? I feel myself wanting to climb carefully down from the ledge.

And then he kisses me, and then I ignore text messages from the other men with which I’ve been talking. Then I am more annoyed than excited by my prospects on Plenty of Fish. I’m anxious about setting up a second date with anyone – will they kiss me this time? Do I even want to be kissed? Yes. I want to be kissed. By someone else, however. Yes, I still enjoy the thrill and think that dating is possibly one of the most fun things I’ve ever done, yes I’m afraid that I’ll miss it. Yes, it may be way too early.

Chef says that things are changing, and he’s not sure that he can keep this arrangement any longer. He can’t keep seeing me go out with other men and still see him. I feel change is afoot too, and it scares me. I’m scared he only wants me because he feels he can’t have me, and that once he haves me, he won’t want me anymore. I’m afraid that in the end, I’m going to be hurt again. I’m not sure my heart can take it.

I’m afraid that I’m falling more than he is all of a sudden. Somehow I’m no longer on the ledge. I’m in a free fall, my speed increasing by the day, and I don’t know what’s at the bottom. All I hear is yes, yes, yes. The nos are quieted, for a moment. I’m not sure if they’ll come back, loud and clear, but right now I am falling. He’s playing with my hair, we’re laughing and cooking dinner. He made me one of the best meals I’ve ever had the other night. My sister came to visit and hung out with us, and I think we had a really fun time. I met his best friend too, and I genuinely liked him and wanted to get to know him better. We opened up the windows last night, and listened to the rain for hours, me with my head on his chest so that I could hear his breathing, his heartbeats almost louder than the rain. Chef kisses me better than any man has ever kissed me.

So I’m falling. We’ll see what’s at the bottom.

170 Comments leave one →
  1. September 30, 2010 9:00 am

    This was a really great post. Why don’t you agree to be exclusive with each other, and not make anything public (don’t tell Facebook, don’t tell mothers) until you’re sure? I think edging carefully down the ledge makes sense for now, and it’s nothing to be ashamed about.

    • September 30, 2010 12:46 pm

      Thanks, Miss Milk! I think the idea of edging carefully down the ledge sounds right on, actually. Appreciate your advice.

    • September 30, 2010 2:45 pm

      I agree with miss milk totally! Be in love! Have a good time! Don’t get other people involved 🙂

  2. September 30, 2010 9:01 am

    Wow! Sounds like a romance novel! Awesome!

    • September 30, 2010 12:47 pm

      Thank you! Ha, a romance novel… I should have put up a picture of two people embracing each other. The man should be incredibly buff and showing just a little bit of his chest hair, and the woman should be wearing some sort of corset. Just saying, do a romance novel, do it right :). Thanks for your comment.

  3. September 30, 2010 9:10 am

    This is really tough. But as hard as it is, I think it’s good that you are thinking things through. And, given the past you and Chef have had, I think it’s good that you’ve continued to see other people instead of just assuming Chef wanted to be exclusive (this is always my problem).

    On the other hand, if you go ahead and give it a try, and it doesn’t work out, at least you know. It could end today, or in a year, and you’d be upset at either ending.

    You will make the right choice!


    • September 30, 2010 12:50 pm

      Thanks, Lucky. Appreciate your thoughts on this – you have followed my story for awhile, so I know you definitely have some good insights. I’m happy I continued dating too, because I don’t know if I would even recognize that I am falling in this way if I hadn’t continued to see other people. My conflicted feelings when I am on dates actually tell me a lot about how I feel about Chef. I’m going to continue to think this through, but I think you are right – it will either work out or it won’t. I may be upset eventually anyway. That’s a scary thought.

  4. September 30, 2010 9:40 am

    Love your writing. Stumbled onto this post from the front page of wordpress. Reading your experience memories came flooding back. I know exactly where you’re at and the unsure feeling sits in the bottom of your stomach like a brick and wont shift no matter how hard you try to ignore it.
    Good Luck with the journey

    • September 30, 2010 12:52 pm

      Thank you so much! I appreciate your reading and commenting. The way you described the feeling in my stomach is right on. But, it’s nice to know that I can even feel this way about someone again, or be so confused again, after the breakup I went through. Thanks again and can’t wait to check out your blog too!

  5. September 30, 2010 9:42 am

    Yay, Catherine! Congrats on being Freshly Pressed!

    The thing about love: You just need to trust it. It’s that simple, and it’s the purest thing in the world. If you love, and you love well, and it falls apart, then that’s what happens. At least you had it for a second. The only thing worse than losing it is not giving it a chance at all.

    I say go for it.

    • September 30, 2010 12:54 pm

      Thank you!! I’m so incredibly excited. What an honor.

      Thanks for the advice. “The only thing worse than losing it is not giving it a chance at all.” I think you are so right. I’m really excited about the possibilities. I’m such a doubter, but I really want to trust this feeling. And if it ends, it ends, but at least I can enjoy it now.

      • September 30, 2010 3:38 pm

        I really loved reading your blog… I, too, stumbled upon it on the front page… The best advice I can offer you is: Move 18 inches down… Out of the “thinking” part of your being and into your heart center. Get quiet inside and reflect upon what your “knowing” is telling you. It’s the only true answer..
        Side note: I’m dating the male of you. 🙂 Nice to hear what goes on in his person. Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability.

        • October 3, 2010 2:08 pm

          Thanks so much Kristen! I appreciate you reading and your advice. It’s interesting you are dating the male of me. Good luck with that – if he’s really like me, he’s probably kind of a tough nut to crack right now. I’m fighting between fleeing and falling in love, and I can’t decide what I really want. It changes by the day. I bet that’s frustrating for the person with someone like me.
          I’m struggling to get into my heart center, but your advice is beautiful and valid. Thank you.

  6. September 30, 2010 9:43 am

    Oh goodness me! I hope you and chef get married and have lots of babies!!! I am going to put a link to this on my blog, I hope you don’t mind?

    Ps, keep kissing! x

    • September 30, 2010 12:55 pm

      Don’t mind at all, please do. Haha… married and lots of babies. A little frightening. But, the kissing I can do. I can’t stop kissing him, actually it’s sort of a problem :). Thanks for your comment.

  7. September 30, 2010 9:50 am

    A bit of unsolicited advice: You can’t ignore your gut feeling that you’re not yet ready to be in a serious and “labeled” relationship just because you’re afraid you might lose someone. If “Chef” truly is a good match for you, he’ll recognize and respect your feelings and be willing to wait a reasonable amount of time for you to figure out what you want.

    It’s not like you’re asking *him* not to date anyone else while you go live it up. Yes, that means there’s the possibility he might meet someone he likes better – but it’s better that happens now than after you’ve declared your relationship status on Facebook, no?

    Good luck to you. I don’t (yet) know the back story on your ex, but it sounds like you still need some time to grieve the relationship and date around before settling down again. Oh, and if you want to have successful relationships in the future, you need to STOP comparing them to your ex. Seven years with one man that didn’t work out doesn’t mean you need seven years with the next to tell if it’s real.


    • September 30, 2010 11:11 am

      Katie, I completely disagree. If Chef is ready for something serious and “labeled” he deserves to have it. And if Catherine can’t give it to him he deserves to be able to move on and look for it elsewhere.

      He shouldn’t have to wait for a woman for an undefined amount of time.

      What if one of your girlfriends were in his position? Falling in love with someone and wanting something more but the guy still wanted to date around? How would you advise her? The average girlfriend would tell her not to wait around for him but to go find someone who is ready.

      I do however agree that Catherine may need to grieve her relationship more before she is ready to be in another serious relationship, but I don’t (personally) think dating a round is a great way to grieve anything.

      I also agree that it’s bad to compare a relationship to an ex. A person might only need 10 minutes to know if someone is right for them. Putting things off for 7 years because that’s how long it took for the last relationship to break isn’t a great ruler.


      • Ghetto_Philosopher permalink
        September 30, 2010 12:55 pm

        I have to agree with Crystal here. I think that Catherine “needs to grieve her relationship” a bit longer before jumping into anything else serious. And like Crystal said, dating around isn’t the way to do that. There needs to be a point where you’re okay and healthy alone before jumping back in. But, just my 2 cents. In my opinion, the way Chef turned around quickly from “I don’t want to be exclusive” to “let’s be exclusive now!!” has me raising my eyebrow.

        Anyway, congratulations on being Freshly Pressed Girl and this post was well done.

        • September 30, 2010 1:49 pm

          I think I’m OK and healthy alone, I believe that about myself. I just took on the dating endeavor mostly for fun and to make up for some lost time. But I think you have a valid point – there is something to be said for being actually alone. Alone, alone, alone. No dates, no men, just me. I didn’t take but a few months to do that. Part of me really agrees with what you are saying but part of me also thinks that sometimes, things just happen, and you have to take a leap. I also have your same concerns about Chef’s going back and forth on whether he actually wants a relationship – I didn’t even really consider it until I was really sure that he felt one way and wasn’t going backwards. But really, who knows?

          Thanks for the congrats, it’s been a very exciting day!

      • September 30, 2010 1:45 pm

        Thanks for this comment. I think you are right on – it’s gotten to the point where it isn’t fair to him for me to continue to date. And I agree, if I had a girlfriend in this situation, I would basically tell her that her beau needs to s*it or get off the pot, if you know what I mean. It’s not fair to tell someone for an extended period of time that you like them, enjoy spending time with them, maybe could love them someday soon … but you still want to go out and play the field. I don’t like that I’ve been doing that these past two weeks.

        As far as grieving the relationship, you are right about this, well you continue to be because you have certainly told me this before. If I had a redo? I might have taken more of a break before I jumped into dating. To really spend time by myself. And I know it’s never too late. But now, I somehow really want to see what this is – too early or not.

      • September 30, 2010 3:31 pm

        Under most circumstances I would agree with your assessment; however, if you read the context of the post a bit more closely, maybe you’ll see some of the signs I (at least thought I) saw to make me answer the way I did. For one thing, I didn’t say Chef shouldn’t be able to look elsewhere. In fact, I noted the fact that he might date and find somebody else as a distinct possibility that Catherine should consider if she wants to continue dating other people. But I will stand by my opinion – ESPECIALLY if I were advising a close girl friend – that the fear of losing someone isn’t a good enough reason to be exclusive with that person. In Catherine’s case, it sounds like SHE’S the one who might not be ready. In fact, she flat-out SAYS she’s not ready. So would you advise a girlfriend who’s not ready to move on to go ahead and get serious because the guy might leave her if she doesn’t?? Most importantly, I don’t think ultimatums are an ideal way to start a serious relationship.

        Which brings me to my second point. I’m not sure how convinced Catherine is that she “loves” Chef. Sounds to me like she doesn’t know… She says she knows he’s falling in love, and she’s just falling. I’m not sure if she intended the wording to read like that, but the way she starts off the entire post by describing falling as both a good AND bad thing makes me think that she (at least subconsciously) meant to leave off the “in love” part of her falling statement. Sure, she likes all the little things he does and the fun times they have together, but over and over she repeats how she’s not sure she’s ready for the full-on commitment. I’ve always been a proponent of listening to your gut Catherine, and I’m STILL going to tell you – if he’s really such a great guy for you, he’ll be patient while you work this out. Maybe Crystal would advise her friends to stay with someone for fear of losing him, but it seems to me, just a few short months after ending a 7 year relationship, Chef might be jumping the gun a bit here.

        Finally, my advice to grieve the relationship and date around are two separate thoughts. I didn’t say you should grieve BY dating around. But you expressed the desire for both things very clearly in your post. Catherine, I think you should listen to your own thoughts that you posted here. Clearly you really like this guy, but your doubts at jumping right now seem to outweigh the benefits of you labeling your relationship as exclusive right now. Granted, I’m just going off this ONE freshly-pressed post and maybe Crystal has been following for awhile, but damn girl! Seems to me you should listen to your heart, and you will leap when you’re ready to leap. Even if you’re not ready right now, it doesn’t mean you’ll lose Chef.

        Hang in there, chica. In the end you’ll do what YOU know is best for you. 🙂

        • September 30, 2010 9:30 pm

          Thanks for the follow up comment. I really appreciate the thought you put into this and your perspective. I agree, the fear of losing someone is not enough of a reason to be with them. So while I am scared that I’ll lose Chef, that is not all this is about. I am falling in love with him. Maybe I didn’t say that so directly in this post because I’m scared. Maybe it’s because it’s hard to put that out into the world, but I’ve definitely told him. As far as do I “love” him, completely and truly, right now in this moment? Yes, I’m confused about that. I feel myself moving in that direction, but I’m not sure I’m there, or if I am there, I’m not ready to admit it. Thing is, I have only loved one person in my life. So I don’t know the tell-tale signs in me of love; I don’t know exactly how I can tell when I’m there, I don’t know when the right time to say it is. I’m not good at distinguishing love from really really strong like yet. That’s just because I’ve only been through this once. I know that this feeling is so much stronger than I’ve felt with anyone in recent history, stronger than I expected I was capable of. And that says something to me. So yes, I’m a little resistent to the “love” word. I don’t want to say it out of term and I don’t want to bring “I love you” into the equation until I have no doubts at all. It just doesn’t seem fair to either one of us.

          I agree with your comment – “Listen to your heart, and you will leap when you’re ready to leap.” I have no intentions of taking this decision lightly or leaping if my heart isn’t in it. I want to take things slow, see where things go. Right now I know that Chef is the only man I want to see, and am slowly cancelling the next round of dates that I had previously scheduled. That’s a big step for me, but might be a baby step for others. And the other things will fall in place, when we’re both ready. I hope. Fingers crossed. 🙂

          Thanks again for your thoughts. I wish you the very best, as well!

    • September 30, 2010 1:05 pm

      Hi Katie,
      Thanks for your thoughtful comment, and your advice is more than welcome, as I’m putting this out into the world to not just tell my story but to also get feedback along the way. I think you are right – I can’t just ignore these nagging doubts completely, but I’m not sure I want to let them consume me and not take on this next step. I have some thinking to do.

      As far as my past relationship, I grieve it every day (some days more, some less). But I don’t want to get stuck in the grieving process, I wanted so much to move on to the fun parts of being single, the dating, the meeting new people, etc. I never expected to settle down quickly, at all. This was all very unexpected in general. My ex fiancee and I actually broke up this past April and cancelled our July wedding, so there has been some time, but I’m not sure enough.

      Point completely taken on not comparing men to my ex. Wow, I didn’t even honestly realize that is what I was doing – but I see how that is one way of looking at the way I’ve been considering the situation.

      Thanks for the advice, you’ve given me a lot to think about …

  8. September 30, 2010 9:56 am

    How beautiful! THANK YOU for sharing some of those feelings we can all relate to. xxx

  9. September 30, 2010 9:58 am

    Breathe. Take a good look around and just breathe.

    • September 30, 2010 1:36 pm

      Haha, thank you Pammy Girl. I’m breathing. Trying to anyway 🙂

  10. September 30, 2010 10:01 am

    Sounds like to me that your afraid of giving up the random experiences you’ve been having. In my current state of affairs, I’m having to find out if it’s just a ledge or a damn colossal building. You either take the plunge, willingly, and with your heart full of expectation or your precariously teeter, if this guy is extremely into you, he won’t wait long before seeing you don’t feel the same and be gone.
    I suggest you tell him the truth, if you have one, and tell him that a relationship isn’t what your looking for currently. Either he will accept that and stay by your side or if he wants you and you alone to be exclusive, he will drop you like a bad habit. Good luck.

    • September 30, 2010 1:52 pm

      Thanks for your advice. Good luck with your current state of affairs, I hope that you can figure it out sucessfully. You’re right, I am partially afraid of giving up some of the random experiences. It’s been so fun and exciting. But this is exciting too. Fair point on precariously teetering though, that’s not fair to anyone. This post is my version of the truth, that with time, I think will become more clear. And I think Chef will have to make his own decision – although, obviously, would not like to be “dropped like a bad habit.” But who does? Haha 🙂

  11. natasha permalink
    September 30, 2010 10:05 am

    Congratulations on being “Freshly Pressed”!!! Chef seems to be a great guy – and I did have a good time hanging with you guys 🙂 just think, we can have him cook Thanksgiving dinner and Mom could relax 🙂

    • September 30, 2010 1:37 pm

      Thanks, Tasha! Hmmm…Thanksgiving dinner actually sounds really good. LOL. I think at some point I’m gonna have to cook for him. Lasagna? He doesn’t have to know that I use Ragu. Lol 🙂

  12. September 30, 2010 10:37 am

    Okay, girl. First of all, I love your courage in blogging about love! It’s so beautiful to put your experience on the web so others can share it with you. Secondly, I think you need to stop worrying so much and ENJOY IT. Do you know how many people wait a lifetime to find someone they are this compatible with? Newsflash: Some people never find it. You are lucky. Embrace it. Feel it.

    Like the earlier comment from 36X37, you have to go for it. I have had break-ups that you only see in movies, trust me… Nobody should be hurt and left like I have been. But when I think about, I wouldn’t give those relationships up for the world. Because I would rather give love a chance, jump off that cliff head first, than to not give it a chance at all.

    • September 30, 2010 1:56 pm

      Thank you! It is something wonderful to be able to share my experiences out here, and then to meet so many new readers today has been amazing. I appreciate your thoughts. I am such a worry wort. That’s all I do (and frankly, all I know how to do)! I never really thought of it the way you’ve said it here… many people do search for a long time, even a lifetime, to find someone with which they are compatible. That’s not something to scoff at.

      I’m sorry to hear about your rough break ups. You seem incredibly strong and resiliant however, so I bet you are a much better person because of it (and more capable of love). I hope anyway :).

      Thanks for your words of encouragement to just leap. They really resonated with me.

  13. September 30, 2010 11:04 am

    Go with your feelings (gut and otherwise) and forget about labels…despite one of my last posts – eek. You know what I’ve gone through with my last serious relationship, but I still have faith in love and am not afraid of falling in love again. It’s a great ride and enjoy it and let it happen. Forget about thinking it’s too soon. Just trust what you’re feeling and how Chef feels about you. Let yourself fall and just be sure to scream “wheeeee!” all the way down with a big smile on your beautiful face!

    • September 30, 2010 1:58 pm

      Thanks, Amy. It does feel much easier when you can just forget about labels and just feel what you feel. Love the “wheeeee!” by the way, that’s a great image you just put into my head. And, for the record, I think you, and all you do, especially after all you’ve been through, is incredibly inspiring. I’m a fan!!

  14. September 30, 2010 11:11 am

    Hey, You have expressed your feeling v well. I feel if you get the right person and strikes the right cord you wont be afraid to let go your random experiences. But be careful, no body can decide for you and worst is nobody will stand by you in what ever u decide.

    • September 30, 2010 2:31 pm

      Thank you for your comment. I will keep in mind not to let anyone decide for me because you’re right, I am the only one who has to stand by (and live with) my decisions.

  15. September 30, 2010 11:19 am

    First of all, I’m jealous. All of my blog pals keep getting freshly Pressed. When will it be my turn (she asked wistfully after not blogging for an entire week)?

    If we had been close friends when you broke things off with your fiancée I would have tried to advise you against dating until you thought you were ready for another relationship…maybe even until you thought you were ready for another serious relationship. (Not that you needed to be trying to find a serious relationship once you started dating.)

    I have a lot of ideas and ways to back up what I think about your situation, but I’ll just put it simply — jump baby. Run off that ledge and enjoy the free fall. You have a great parachute or friends, family and readers. You won’t die at the bottom of anything.

    And if it doesn’t work out you’ll probably be able to tell much sooner than 7 years into the relationship. (Especially since he said he would propose within a year if he were with the right girl.) And if you see that it isn’t right you can go right back to dating around.

    How many guys like Chef…who make you feel like Chef…do you think there are? He might deserve a chance. A real chance.

    Okay, I’m done being bossy about your love life now. Feel free to disregard any or all of that! Love you, doll.


    • September 30, 2010 3:16 pm

      Hey Crystal,
      I was totally shocked by the Freshly Pressed today! I believe your time will be here soon. Your blog is awesome and your writing is really something special.

      I wish we had been friends when my fiancee and I broke up! I think your advice is incredibly valid that I should have taken some time to heal and hold on the dating. I didn’t date for about two months or so, but it really wasn’t long enough, looking back. I was just so impatient to get out there! I’m not really mad at myself, but hindsight is 20/20, and I think I’d do things differently if given a chance.

      Thanks for your advice on jumping – enjoying the free fall sounds like so much fun. And I am very fortunate to have my friends, my family and my readers to support me. I will survive a bad fall. I’ve done it before. And I know better now, not to wait until 7 years in, that’s for sure. And Chef, well he makes me feel pretty special. It’s a pretty strong, powerful feeling. And I certainly am not ready to let it go.

      Thanks for your advice – not bossy at all. I feel like you actually know me pretty well after all you’ve read about me, so I really value what you have to say 🙂

  16. tooshy permalink
    September 30, 2010 11:20 am

    Hi there, I’ve been reading a while now, first time I’m writing.

    About all I’ve learned in life is that there is no RIGHT answer. What works for one person, might not work for you. Any advice anybody else gives you is always colored by their own life,experiences, needs, fears, etc. not to say that you should talk to others and listen to what they have to say, but… well I am sure you could get a few stories of “i listened to my heart and it sucked” to “i ignored what I wanted and it sucked”…

    Here’s my biased (and quite probably, unhelpful) view: Its better to regret things you’ve tried, than things you haven’t tried.

    I haven’t tried a lot in my life, for what seemed like a good reason each time. I regret it.

    Now what is it you should try? LOL, I don’t know!

    Thanks for writing… that, you should keep trying 🙂 (and doing so very well)

    • September 30, 2010 3:08 pm

      Hello … thanks so much for reading, your compliments and also for commenting today. I love your advice. I too, don’t like to live with regrets. It’s possible that if I force these feelings down, I am really going to regret it. I can’t want to ever look back and think that I didn’t put myself out there, simply because I was scared or slightly uncertain. But, you’re right. There is no right answer. I also think I can’t go wrong – I’ll learn from the experience either way. And, I’ll have had the experience – which isn’t that part of the journey in the first place? Thanks again.

  17. Sunflowerdiva permalink
    September 30, 2010 11:20 am

    What a wonderful post! I really liked it. Chef sounds like a great guy. 😀

  18. September 30, 2010 11:23 am

    You were engaged 3 months ago? Hmmmm…is Chef a rebound? Or have you already had one of those? One rebound is necessary and then you should jump!

    It’s good you’re being cautious, though. Beautiful post. 🙂

    • September 30, 2010 1:13 pm

      Hi Lindsay,
      Yeah I was engaged to be married – got engaged in October of 2009, we were supposed to get married July 10 2011. We broke up at the end of April. I don’t feel like Chef is really a rebound, but I guess you don’t know when someone is a rebound until after it is over, right? I don’t know. I feel like this is something different, something special. Something I haven’t felt for a really long time, and certainly something I haven’t felt with the other guys I’ve dated (and I’ve tried to date like it’s my job these past couple of months.) Definitely being cautious, it’s the only way I know how to be. Thanks for your comment and for reading.

  19. September 30, 2010 11:48 am

    Good post, nicely written. It’s hard figuring out what we want, but try to follow your feelings and also be open about the choices you make.

    • September 30, 2010 1:16 pm

      Thank you very much. I agree, I want nothing if not to be open and honest about my feelings. Appreciate your comment.

  20. September 30, 2010 11:54 am

    Wahooo! What a fab post. I will be back. But until then, trust your gut instinct – it is more powerful and ‘for you’ than you know. Maybe keep it on the down low for a little while but tell people who you really trust will share their own gut feelings too.

    Thanks for blogging and congrats on getting being Freshly pressed!

    • September 30, 2010 1:17 pm

      Thank you very much! I can’t wait to check out your blog too.

      I feel a resounding YES to your “trust your gut instinct.” I’m writing a post about that soon – my gut has never been wrong. Trouble is when you can’t exactly pin down what you want. I think you have a good idea about just keeping it on the down low for a bit (no major announcements on Facebook) and relax for awhile. I think most things work themselves out, don’t they?

  21. September 30, 2010 11:58 am

    I really related to your post. I was always the child on the high slide keeping up the line, too scared to give in and slide down.
    But as a grown up I have the opposite problem, I can’t take the plunge to be single. I’d rather be stuck in an unhappy relationship than be alone, which is actually much worse! I was stuck in a seven year relationship because I was too afraid to hurt anyone.
    So I commend your courage, I think your better with the-leaping-thing than you give yourself credit for. 🙂

    Good luck! And congratulations on being freshly pressed.

    • September 30, 2010 1:28 pm

      Thank you, I’m glad that my analogy resonated with someone. I always thought I could do the scary things all the cool kids did, and I always had a slight panic attack once I actually tried!

      I hear what you are saying on taking the plunge to be single. That’s so hard. I think for me, the fear is staying single – I’ve only been single what, five months, and already considering this leap? Part of me is scared that I don’t know how to be single, that maybe I’m more scared of it than I ever thought. The fear of being alone. I could have stayed with my ex, and I would have been so unhappy. I would have made him unhappy. And it never would have worked out. I am so happy that I was able to get out of that, but I need to remember always the courage that took and make sure not to fall into anything else that is bad for me. I’m sending good thoughts your way so that you can leap as well. Can’t wait to check out your blog.

  22. September 30, 2010 12:21 pm

    Just a little note…my husband’s grandparents knew eachother a whole three months before they got married (not trying to give you a panic attack with that word!) and they have been together now more than sixty years. It’s not about timing, it’s about recognizing ‘wow, this is a really good thing,’ and deciding you deserve a really good thing!

    • September 30, 2010 1:30 pm

      LOL! Three months! That’s record time. And yes, you did just induce a slight panic attack in me. Just slight. 🙂 But thanks for your comment. It’s good to be reminded – I do deserve a good thing. Appreciate your thoughts!

  23. September 30, 2010 12:22 pm

    Keep kissing him, don’t go on other dates and don’t tell facebook – it doesn’t ned to know!

    • September 30, 2010 1:31 pm

      Right on, Facebook does not need to know. Why do I feel so compelled to tell it? LOL :). Thanks for your comment.

  24. TheSingleFilez permalink
    September 30, 2010 12:26 pm

    Fantastically written post. I can see why you’re ‘Freshly Pressed’. Congratulations!

  25. September 30, 2010 12:49 pm

    Great post – very open and honest. I can relate to a lot of this, even though I’m the opposite sex. It’s funny how serious the world takes those Facebook status updates these days! (I’m guilty of taking them seriously myself, and also of agonizing over when to change mine and what to change it to).

    Just remember, you never know what’s at the bottom until you take that leap.

    • September 30, 2010 2:49 pm

      It is funny how Facebook has become some kind of indicator of how good of a relationship you are in. Do you just say “In a relationship” or do you go all out and say “In a relationship with…” and link to the other person? What does it mean if you don’t say anything at all? I gotta tell ya, when I got engaged, switching my relationship status to engaged was incredibly fun and exciting. I loved the hell out of it. Changing it back to single, not so much. Not ready to do another switcheroo just yet. I like your “you never know what at the bottom until you take that leap.” Very good point. And love a male’s perspective – please come back!

  26. September 30, 2010 1:05 pm

    This was beautiful. Your writing is amazing. I could just feel myself up on that ledge. Keep writing, keep falling. It’s all good:) -SG

    • September 30, 2010 2:43 pm

      Thanks so much. I really appreciate your continued reading and support. It’s so fun to meet people in the blogosphere and get the sense that you know them through their blog and their comments on your blog! Ah, those Internets have made so much possible… 🙂

  27. Random Cook permalink
    September 30, 2010 1:27 pm

    jump baby, jump. but have a parachute

    • September 30, 2010 3:00 pm

      Wish they did sell parachutes for this sort of thing… But, I am jumping. Slowly at times, fast at others. But jumping (and falling) nevertheless. Thanks for your comment.

  28. September 30, 2010 1:31 pm

    This gave me goosebumps and made me afraid to read a single other post of yours, I haven’t the time or emotional energy for a new addiction, you see.

    And yet.. I just can’t wait to know what happens next.

    Well. Done!

    • September 30, 2010 2:46 pm

      Thank you so much for your comment, that’s very sweet. I hear you on the addiction – there are quite a few blogs that after reading just one post, I decided to read all their archives and suddenly it’s 4 a.m. and I have nothing to show for it, but feeling emotionally spent and perhaps waaaay too involved in a stranger’s life. But I love it. Every minute of it. I can’t wait to check out your blog, and hope that you come back to visit sometime!

      • September 30, 2010 6:54 pm

        Not gonna lie, I’ve been sneaking peeks at other posts of yours in between work load all day. You’re a great read… thanks for opening your life and speaking up for the single ladies!


        • September 30, 2010 7:47 pm

          Thanks so much! I really appreciate that and hope it didn’t distract you too much from work :). Your blog seems pretty cool by the way – I won’t be able to dig in until the weekend, but from the few posts I had a chance to read, your writing is amazing!

  29. September 30, 2010 1:34 pm

    Yeahh, I am right there with ya. The feeling ‘how’d it go this far?’ It’s weird to that point in a relationship; or rather, it’s uncomfortable. Good luck with your dating shtuff!! It will work itself out; just listen to your inner self. Be honest with yourself, always, and you’ll never go wrong.
    Thought you might want to check out my collaborative blog – Dysfunctional Beginnings – about growing up and beginnings of all kinds. Material includes literary writing, nonfiction, fiction, poetry, photography, video, etc. We’ve survived it. Now let’s attest to it.
    Submissions go to:

    • September 30, 2010 2:54 pm

      Hi Jessica! Thanks for your comment. I will do my best to listen to my inner self and be honest. You’re right, you can’t really go wrong if you are just honest. I definitely look forward to checking out your collaborative blog – thanks for sharing the link!

  30. Matt permalink
    September 30, 2010 1:40 pm

    Congratulations on being Freshly Pressed! Great post for it too. I thought your blog was destined for great things early on – had it been a stock I would have rated it a strong buy!

    Sounds like it’s worth trying out not seeing anyone else. It doesn’t mean that things with Chef have to move really quickly or get really heavy – you can still take things slowly and just see how it feels.

    • September 30, 2010 2:53 pm

      Thank you, Matt! Haha on the stock. But the stock is just up today- it’ll go back down, so you better sell while it’s high! 🙂

      I definitely agree with you. I don’t really want to see anyone else now, besides the memories I have of how fun it is to do so. I just want to see what this is. Experience it for a bit. Enjoy it. Nothing has to move quickly or get really heavy, for sure. Just feels like a lot more than I ever expected, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing…

      Appreciate your comment, and having you along with me throughout all of this… your advice has been invaluable.

  31. September 30, 2010 3:27 pm

    I’ve been in this situation before, and eventually you have to make a choice, or the choice might be made for you. Me personally i made the choice to move on. Hope everything works out for you.

  32. September 30, 2010 3:54 pm

    I appreciate this stage in your life find life partner (or is it something else).

    But a blog that focuses alot on this search….?
    Would be great to see other passions on your blog.

    (Yes, I do have a love partner..I was single until 31. That was a lifetime ago.)

    Best of luck in love and life!

    • September 30, 2010 7:50 pm

      Hi Jean,

      I definitely hear what you are saying. This blog isn’t just about finding a partner, it’s about finding myself after not really knowing myself for so many years (when I had a partner). It’s also about me having an opportunity to write for fun – not just for work. I imagine the blog topics will progress over time, and who knows, in a few years it might be something totally different.

      Best of luck to you too! Thanks for your comment.

      • October 1, 2010 10:39 am

        Knowing oneself better is an ongoing journey. Having a loved one makes the journey easier but one day becomes alone.

        Therefore become stronger for the times you are alone.

        And my suggestion: cycling, jogging..may introduce you to more men. 🙂 I know alot of women who avoid the bar scene.

        • October 1, 2010 12:11 pm

          Thanks again, Jean. You are right, it’s important to be strong and prepared for when we are alone. I love the suggestion of cycling – I used to cycle a lot, but fell out of it when I sprained my ankle. I’m actually trying to focus more on my physical health, and trying to get back into it! I’ll have to check out your site :). Have a great weekend!

  33. September 30, 2010 3:58 pm

    I’ve been single for 9 months and it was only a 2 year relationship but I too am going through some of the same things. I miss dating-the kisses falling asleep on the phone, the romantic text messages, the surprise visits, hearing I love you, being complimented.

    Although it was 9 months ago I’m not ready. I’m still very much in love with him and miss him and although he’s completely moved on and has another gf and is planning to propose to her after he graduates… I’m still in the process of keeping guys at bay. Only wanting them to fill up the nights when I’m lonely to give me the attention I need every so often.

    I’m not ready for the time and sacrifice for a relationship.

    Good luck to you! Will be following your blog 🙂

    • September 30, 2010 8:10 pm

      Thanks for your comment, Jean! It’s nice to know that there is someone out there going through a similar situtation. I’m sorry to hear about some of the hard times you’ve had. I know how you feel about desiring some of the things you get with dating, but not all of them, especially not the relationship. Only you know for what you are ready, and it sounds to me like you are doing a good job of taking care of yourself. It’ll happen when it’s time, I think. I appreciate your comment and can’t wait to check out your blog when I have some time this weekend!

      Take care of yourself – he may be moving on, but it seems to me you have a love for yourself and an ability to be comfortable by yourself that most of us (including me) could only hope for.

  34. September 30, 2010 4:28 pm

    This is so beautiful! swoon. best of luck to you both!

  35. JIm Hagen permalink
    September 30, 2010 4:36 pm

    I know you are going for an effect with your writing in this post but it sounds like you are not in control of the situation.

    • September 30, 2010 8:15 pm

      Hi there, thanks for your comment. You are right, I feel a distinct lack of control, which is strange for me because I am a very Type A person who craves control over my life and decisions. Part of my writing this post was to explore this lack of control – and come to some conclusions through writing and exploring this all. But sometimes, isn’t it a good feeling to just let go of all control and let things happen to you? It’s a balance I’m working to find.

  36. Maggie Malam permalink
    September 30, 2010 4:42 pm

    Aaaaah, Catherine, how wonderful! I remembered Chef from your earlier posts but I was so pleasantly surprised to read about him again this morning! And I agree, this was a perfect post for Freshly Pressed–powerful and memorable and so exciting.

    I’m in a little bit of a similar spot with the guy I’m dating–we decided to be exclusive and we’re taking it slow and I’m not always sure it’s what I want and I’m not dropping the term “boyfriend” into every conversation like I used to… but I must say, I’m glad I deleted my facebook account and no one can watch my relationship status from there.

    And woah, lady, listen to yourself: “Chef kisses me better than any man has ever kissed me.” ?!! That’s something special. You don’t need all kinds of kisses from new men when you’ve got great ones from a nice guy. Enjoy that while you can!

    I’d also recommend listening to Dan Savage’s podcast, the Savage Lovecast, (at if you’re not yet. He always says, “All relationships fail until one doesn’t.” Dan Savage is also infinitely wise is many realms of life and love. Chef might be the last, but he probably won’t be, but that doesn’t mean he’s not worth dating.


    • September 30, 2010 8:24 pm

      Hi Maggie!

      Thanks so much for your kind comment. I too, am happy that Freshly Pressed chose this post. It’s more the type of writing I enjoy the most, definitely more than dating recaps and lists (although those are pretty fun!).

      It’s interesting to hear your perspective with what’s happening with your current guy – I too want to take things slow and definitely don’t want to become the girl who drops a subtle “boyfriend” here or there. I want to just be, if you know what I mean, less about labels and more about feeling what I am (and he is) experiencing.

      You are completely right about the kisses – Chef kisses me the way I’ve always wanted to be kissed. It’s like he knows exactly what I’m thinking, before I think it, the softness that is just right, the way I want my face touched. That is definitely rare. I am not afraid to admit that I was quite the kissing whore in high school, and I’ve kissed my fair share of guys since I’ve been single. This is something different, something special. Something I’m not ready to give up.

      Thanks for the tip on Dan Savage! Can’t wait to check him out. And you are right, just because a relationship doesn’t work out doesn’t always mean it was a waste or not worth it. Thanks for that important reminder. Great comment! 🙂

  37. September 30, 2010 4:46 pm

    ‘Chef kisses me better than any man has ever kissed me.’ *sigh*

    • September 30, 2010 8:24 pm

      Haha! Thanks for your comment – I sigh just thinking about it too…. He’s like the best kisser. Ever. 🙂

  38. Dan permalink
    September 30, 2010 5:05 pm

    In the first place, I am a man. In the second place, I come from another continent (you might just as well call me “alien”), which is Europe (I won’t mention the country). English is not my first language, so bear with me.
    Honestly, I am shocked by your blog: it’s straightforward, funny and down-to-earth, though I find your perspective on life in general (and relationships in particular)to be a bit of immature. Back here in Europe, when you’re 25, things are less complicated: it’s not that you don’t experience troublesome feelings or relationship worries, but hardly do we express our feelings so corny and conventional. OK, you broke up with the person you were supposed to spend the rest of your life, but all of this search-for-the-new-one sounds dauntingly artificial, as if you like to spend your mental lifetime in cheap sit-comes and empty-headed motivational books (for the only reason of revolving around cliches).
    As far as I know people’s habits and customs around here(Europe), there is no intermediary space of indecision: you either date a lot, have sex with zillions of two-legged creatures like yourself and don’t go into anything deep (cause it’s not worth it: why not stay at the surface of things if it pays off better from a certain point of view?), or settle down and all the other conservative crap. There’s no in-between, except if you’re a hypocrite. This is how things are going around here and nobody seems to feel bad about it.
    What you’re experiencing at this point sounds to me teen-like. Hope I wasn’t annoying or boring, but your anxieties seem to be more inconsistent than anything. What’s the whole purpose of this blog anyway? I may be dumb (who knows?), but I don’t get it.

    • September 30, 2010 8:59 pm

      Hi Dan,
      Thanks for your comment. It’s always good to hear from men, as you can imagine I get a lot of feedback from women on this blog (which I love by the way, but it’s always good to hear another perspective). I’m not sure that there are so many differences between Europe and the United States and I think that many of the things I write about (today and in general) transcend what country a person may be from. I think these emotions are all part of the human experience. I’m sorry that you found my perspective a bit immature. To be fair, I have a lot to learn and consider myself to be ONLY 25 – ask opposed to boasting that I am 25 and know so much. And I’ve mentioned before on my blog, sometimes I feel like I have the emotional maturity when it comes to relationships less than my actual age, because I’ve never experienced many of the things I’ve been experiencing the past couple of months (and things that many people of my age have already had the chance to encounter). And I don’t think I would call my feelings, my worries, the learnings that I have been experiencing, corny or conventional. I’ve found through a lot feedback from readers that I am not alone in these thoughts and feelings.

      Your comment certainly isn’t annoying or boring (nor do I completely believe English is your second language), and I think you have some interesting points. But, I do think that you are relying too much on the differences between the United States and whatever country you come from in Europe (which I’m not sure why you don’t want to point that out). I simply can’t believe that in your secret country, no one is confused. Everyone either A: Dates casually and sleeps around or B: Ends up in committed relationships. I bet there are plenty of people that struggle with these issues every day – and aren’t hypocrites. I would suggest that you open your mind and see what other perspectives are out there.

      The purpose of my blog is a whole other story. This is not about me on some sort of immature quest for love. It is about me sharing my life, my thoughts, my journey with an audience. It’s about showing men and women out there going through hard breakups, soul-crushing breakups, that there is light at the end of the tunnel. It’s about providing my story to people out there that had to cancel a wedding, lose a lover, go on an awful first date, go on no dates at all. It’s about the experience of living the side of life that just happens to do with love. But it’s not just love of a man or a woman, it’s about the love of life. I’ve talked about reconnecting with family and friends through my breakup. I’ve shared tips for people like me going through a hard time. So I guess if you don’t get that, maybe you’ve never been heartbroken. Maybe you are of the lucky who have had mostly positive experiences in your life, and you can’t understand what it’s like to lose someone you love more than yourself. And then be mad at yourself for not loving yourself more. I don’t know, I don’t think what I’m doing here is so hard to understand or that it is so hard to understand how some people – maybe not all people – may find value in it.

      But again, thanks for your comment. Always good to have a different perspective. Best of luck to you!

  39. September 30, 2010 5:10 pm

    I didn’t read all the stuff that had to do with me yet because I had to respond to two things you said already:

    A.) “sometimes, things just happen, and you have to take a leap” I totally agree. Jump babe! You got this.

    B.) I think you are doing great and I hope you haven’t taken any of my words as criticism. I needed a lot of time alone after my last break up. You may have only needed a few weeks.

    C.) To some extent, no matter how ready we think we are, no one is ever really ready for a relationship. Things will always come up that a person can’t prepare him/herself for. Things like a ledge.

    You’re amazing and this was an incredibly written post. And Chef is lucky to have you if you are ready to have him.


    • September 30, 2010 9:18 pm

      I love the “you got this.” That’s actually incredibly reassuring. It’s something I have to tell myself at work all the time, but it’s funny that I never reassure myself in my personal life in this way.

      I definitely haven’t taken any of your words as criticism. Not one bit. You speak the truth, and if I ever get even slightly offended or disturbed by your words, it’s not because of what you’ve said, it’s more about how close it hits to home. You voice many of the same concerns I’ve had – that this grand experiment of being Simply Solo became less about finding myself and healing than about finding someone else. That’s one of my biggest fears. But these feelings I have for Chef are more than that, they feel like more than a fear of being alone. They feel very real and like something I want to pursue. But I think it’s important to have a self awareness – I admit that I may have moved too fast to the dating world. It felt right at the time, but it’s possible it was too fast. But so what? Life goes on. It’s not the end of the world. And I don’t want to beat myself up for it.

      I think you are right, so often (probably most of the time), we aren’t ready for a relationship and it feels like it sneeks up on us. I don’t think a lot of us are ready for many of the things that happen in our lives in general – deaths, losses of jobs, etc. But you know what? Even if you aren’t ready, most of the time you find a way to make it work, to make the best of it, and to learn from every experience. I don’t think you should always wait until you are 100% certain about anything, cause you could find yourself waiting forever…

      Thanks for your comment and kind words. YOU are amazing!! And the blog crush continues… LOL 🙂

  40. Ishana permalink
    September 30, 2010 5:36 pm

    Amazing post. You really put your heart into this and it shows. I’ve no words of advice to give you but to follow your heart. Do what feels right to you. That’s all anyone can ask of you.

    I wish you good luck, in all that you do.

    • September 30, 2010 8:43 pm

      Thank you Ishana! Your kind words mean a lot to me. I will follow my heart, thank you. Appreciate your thoughts. Good luck to you too.

  41. Brenda permalink
    September 30, 2010 6:11 pm

    Jump in because if you don’t you will always wonder what would it had been like if you did. Sometimes love hurts but that how we find out what we really want out of love. I wish you luck.

    • September 30, 2010 8:42 pm

      Thanks for your thoughts, Brenda. I agree, sometimes we realize what we want through love, and through experiencing things and taking risks. I don’t want to wonder … I know that for sure.

  42. Oh Rly? permalink
    September 30, 2010 6:22 pm

    Ha…in the first place, I too am a man. In the second place, I like how the guy who opens with “English isn’t my first language” uses words like “dauntingly.”

    Dear Europe,

    I actually enjoyed your post, though it lacked cohesion and made little to no sense. However, it was entertaining. Isn’t that the important part? Entertainment? Whether or not you understand the “point” of this blog is quite irrelevant. As evidenced by your admitting that it was “funny, straight-forward, down to earth,” perhaps you should take some of your own advice and don’t make it complicated. Lastly, there are distinct differences between Europe and the United States that stem from the “nurture” side of the “nature vs. nurture” continuum. They impact things both large and small. For example, drunk driving is nowhere near the issue in Europe as it is in the States, in large part due to the socialization of “drinking” in your culture. E.g, a 13 year old has a glass of wine with dinner and as a result alcohol isn’t deemed as much of a taboo? Score one for Europe! On the other hand, we wear deodorant. Checkmate, America.

    • September 30, 2010 9:07 pm

      LOL!! Thanks for your comment. I too wondered how someone who was concerned about their English could use words like “dauntingly,” “zillions” (isn’t this a very specific US-slang term?) and “mental lifetime.” I mean, English may be your second language, but did you learn this second language when you were five or something?

      I appreciate your sticking up for me a bit here. I agree, his comment was pretty entertaining, to say the least. Your comment, even better. Go America!! 🙂 We also bathe almost daily in America – when I lived in Europe, most people bathed every three days or so. Add that to the lack of deodorant… LOL. Not sure if that is still the case, however.

  43. amanda permalink
    September 30, 2010 6:39 pm

    I agree with Brenda.. I say just go for it and see where it ends. You never know until you try! It is better then wondering “What if” forever. Love ya girl

    • September 30, 2010 8:31 pm

      Hey girl! Thanks for your comment and advice – definitely don’t want to be a “what if” kinda girl. And maybe you’ll get to meet Chef sometime soon. Love ya 🙂

  44. September 30, 2010 6:46 pm

    Take the diving board what would happen when you were a kid and you backed down and climbed back down the stairs. You would feel ashamed, guilty, angry, and sad. Not to mention the flack you will get from your friends. But when you jump….man is it scary, but once you hit the water you feel GREAT!!! All your friends cheer for you and you sit there looking up at the board thinking that wasn’t to bad, with a giant smile on your face.

    Jump, its always the better choice.

    • September 30, 2010 8:31 pm

      Thanks, Jason. You are right – it feels very shameful and embarassing when you don’t do something that you really want to do because you are just too scared. Sometimes (most times) you just have to jump, make a leap of faith. Thanks for this comment – I really liked the way you put it.

  45. September 30, 2010 6:47 pm

    Great post! I think your feelings are only natural. As you point out, it hasn’t been that long. And maybe it’s ok to just hang out on the ledge for awhile. Maybe it’s just too soon to jump – and that’s ok too. If The Chef really likes you (and it seems like he does), he will be ok with waiting!

    • September 30, 2010 8:38 pm

      Thank you! Appreciate your reading and commenting – as always! I’m slowly working this all out, and your thoughts help me for sure.

  46. September 30, 2010 7:35 pm

    You know what… somehow I’m feeling jealous of Chef… because he has such a wonderful girl like you… It’s no wonder that he loves you and wants you… best of wishes for both of you…

  47. September 30, 2010 7:36 pm

    You listened to his heart, now listen to yours. We need to change our language from “falling” to “flying” — same sensation but the first is out of control while flying is going towards a destination IN control.

    You are on a journey, go forward, not backwards where the fears and doubts are hiding and waiting.

    • September 30, 2010 8:28 pm

      I like your suggestion on “flying” versus “falling.” Honestly, your comment just made me think a lot about going forward not backward. That’s really a good point, and something I need to keep in mind. I have a bad habit of always looking back, wondering, analyzing. I should focus more on the forward motion. Thanks so much for your comment.

  48. September 30, 2010 9:29 pm

    JUst follow your heart even thou it burns and hurts find it in yoour heart to believe that you are doing the right thing!!!just do it just believe in your self you have so much support and thats all that matters god bless!!!


    • September 30, 2010 9:34 pm

      Thank you so much, Crystal! I appreciate your kind words. Aloha 🙂

  49. ruksana permalink
    September 30, 2010 9:43 pm

    very interesting style of writing,,, it was very awesom, made me keep on reading. wanted to know the ending..i hope everything goes well with u and i hope u find the lovly person you are looking for..

  50. Janelle permalink
    September 30, 2010 10:43 pm

    I think I’ll start reading this right from the very start 😉

    • September 30, 2010 11:48 pm

      Hi Janelle! That’s such a nice thing to say – thanks so much. Happy to have you here and great to meet you. Just be sure to brush over some of the particularly emo posts, they can be painful. 🙂 Can’t wait to check out your blog too!

  51. October 1, 2010 1:25 am

    I am new to this blog site and I found yours. This is so nice. I will be following your next posts. I wish you good luck!

  52. October 1, 2010 1:51 am

    You might relate to the drama of the quest in my poem “Love at First Sight”

    Yours might be “Love in Hindsight,” but the key is SIGHT = the moment when we see clearly. That is the “first sight.”

    • October 1, 2010 12:16 pm

      Hi Richard, thanks for sharing this poem. I enjoyed it quite a bit. My favorite verse was:

      In the outpouring of our love
      at once exalting joy
      and poignant sadness,
      we attempt fulfillment
      through giving and taking
      through searching and staying
      through having and losing
      through pushing ourselves forward
      and through holding back.

      Appreciate you reading and commenting!

  53. October 1, 2010 2:12 am

    I know exactly how you feel! I’m only 26 years old and have never been engaged but I have been in relationships before – there are 2 out of these people that I fell for deeply. And it’s a scary experience falling, especially because you are scared for repeats from past relationships. And, yes, one should nto bring baggage in, but we are still human and our fears are real. It’s just how you tackle them. And it’s only through tackling them be living them out do we overcome them.

    But, yes, yes, yes! I couldn’t have expressed the emotions you have writing here better myself. And I have been grappling with the same thoughts you have address. I’m glad that they have finally been uttered and somewhat organised (the thoughts were creating a lot of clutter in my head – a lot of unanswered questions), even if not by me.

    You’re a great writier! ^_^

    Thanks for this!

    • October 1, 2010 12:20 pm

      Hi Thandie!

      Thanks for your kind words. It’s good to hear that other people have been experiencing some of the same emotions that I have been. It is so hard to keep our baggage at bay, our fears from sneaking in to every new relationship. I’m trying, and will continue to try, to be brave.

      Also, I hear you completely on the clutter in your head – I had this post in my head for about a week before I actually wrote it. It almost was haunting me, wanting to get these words out. And then I wrote it – it was one of the quickest posts I’ve ever written! Because the thoughts had been swimming in my head for so long, it was just more of a relief to get them out. So I’m glad it served a purpose for you too.

  54. Dan permalink
    October 1, 2010 2:23 am

    I’ve just woken up in my small country in south-eastern Europe by the name of Romania (if that rings any bell). Unfortunately, English is my second language which, like most people my age (exactly 25), start learning when they are 6-7 years old in shabby public schools for the sake of becoming “Americanized” and so have the wonderful chance of bathing more and use deodorant (which we’ve generally been using for decades with some minor exceptions: the French, the Spanish and the Italians, innate bohemians; excuse them for purposefully not caring much about hygiene when they’re 20).
    I take a look out the window. The streets are crowded and it’s not even 8 am. The hustle and bustle of a typical workday I would say.
    As you can already see, I am off the topic and incoherent (not to mention making little point of anything, right?). But, what the heck?, I come from Europe, true?
    It’s amazing to see that we also have a lot of commonplaces regarding Americans as well: that you are overfed, greedy, violent (caring your guns wherever you go) and are very fond of one-night-stands. And shallow and over-optimistic about everything, from spaceships to cockroaches. But all these are just mere truisms and why not open our minds a little?
    Catherine, maybe I am over-exaggerating the differences between Europe and America in terms of relationships. As for not being heartbroken, I’ve passed through a lot of nasty relationships at some point in my life. I cannot say they haven’t left a mark on me, but I think that’s the whole idea of… growing up. You get hurt, you have to move on… otherwise you’ll be lost in translation with the whole world around you. I admit that becoming mature is very often a difficult puzzling process, but it’s not the number of failures and the way you passed over them that’s truly important. It’s not the light of the tunnel you should be looking for. Who said there’s darkness surrounding you? Why should you feel depressed? I believe it’s more about asking yourself who you are and what are your expectations from others.
    To give you an example: I’ve been with a girl for a couple of years some time ago and we seemed to get along with very well. However, at some point I asked myself if this is what I’m truly looking for in my life: is she the one because we understand each other well, have the same priorities and, wow, feel amazing in bed? Does it all come down to all that? Isn’t it little to ask from yourself in return? Yeah, most people don’t even think beyond that, but who are we to judge?
    So, at one point, I started asking myself all kinds of painful questions: do I really love her and do I selfishly enjoy her gentle smiles, her caressing, her eyes glowing with love, her body conspicuously wanting me? Was this love or the proof of a large ego? And, besides, the sense of security she offered wasn’t it all rooted in my selfish feeling (my ‘selfish gene’) that she’ll always be there for me, no matter what, as a sort of shoulder you lay your head on? Did I really care about her, apart from knowing her wishes, whims, personality inside-out? In the end we broke up. It was my honest decision: I stopped lying to myself. I was guilty for mixing up my “male ego” with the conventional headline: “Live the flavor of love”. I felt like being trapped in a love story that deep inside wasn’t mine. However, I played my part well. Indeed, I remember giving it up in the end: I may look like the ideal lover depicted by socially-acceptable-relationship-patters in women magazines, but it wasn’t me. And this happened from the very beginning. If you start a relationship with somebody and you lie yourself all throughout it (even if it lasts 3-4-6-10 years), the imaginary castle will come down in the end cause it’s built on sand. It’s like a virus you carry within you and you don’t know or admit knowing. The illness is waiting the right moment to develop. But you’ve been sick from the very start.
    I won’t pretend that my example applies to all cases out there, but from my life experience 80% of all relationship issues are based on selfishness and not having a clue about what you really want or who you are. In fact, when I felt “falling” it was the same tunnel in which I felt like “flying” some time before. It’s the tunnel I should get out of. Perhaps it’s all about the tiny details of your personality you’re not still aware of Catherine. And that’s where you should dig more.
    Hope I wasn’t condescending or a stuck up. Anyways, keep on blogging. You’re doing a good job and you make people start thinking… Thanks Cathy!

  55. October 1, 2010 2:59 am

    Ah, sigh. Your post almost made me want to cry .
    Of course I came across it because you were freshly pressed, but I identify so much with your feelings. You remind me of where I was when I met my current boyfriend.

    My ex of four years had died that June in a car accident. We had been through so much together (and I’m still close with his mother, who will always call me her daughter-in-law), and it was my first love, so it was a very special kind of love. Not altogether the healthiest relationship though.
    So that was over, had been ending for a year and a half. And I had been semi-exploring for as much time as that. But it wasn’t until he was really gone that I was really single. Until then, he had always been number one in my heart. I would have done anything for him.
    At first, I had no interest in guys at all. Then, I started enjoying myself. I KNEW I wasn’t ready for s serious relationship. I knew I was still enjoying being on my own, getting to know myself, and growing to love myself.
    And then I met…we’ll call him the Romantic, because he is hopelessly romantic. I was only looking for fun.
    So was he, at first, apparently, but he’s a romantic, so he fell in love really quickly. And I didn’t. I really liked being with him but I just wasn’t ready to settle down. Both he and I knew that. And we decided to give it a go anyway.
    So, from my experience, here’s my advice to you.
    If you are on the ledge and falling, go ahead and embrace it for what it is. You may find something wonderful.
    BUT it will not be an easy fall. You’ll bump into every overhanging ledge and rock along the way.
    Because I wasn’t ready when the Romantic and I got together, I was still like an untamed animal, and that made him very nervous, and very jealous. It was a constant struggle- him trying to reel me in because he was scared of losing me, and me pushing away because I was feeling suffocated and needed to take things more slowly.
    A year later, I am finally settled in. Yes, I am in love now. It took soooo long (8 months!), but I finally feel I’m ready to begin again. It doesn’t feel the same as it did the last time, and I used to wonder if that was a bad sign, if I was settling. I think now that it’s okay. It won’t be the same with everyone and I don’t want to be with anyone else.

    All that to say, that I wish you both the best, and I’ll be checking in to see how you’re doing!

    • October 1, 2010 12:39 pm

      Wow, thank you so much for your comment. I really appreciate you sharing your story – it sounds like you have been through a very hard time, but you seem to have come to terms with your loss and all that has happeened. You seem like such a strong person. I can’t tell you how much your comment means to me.

      I really appreciate your advice. It’s so good to hear from someone who has been through something similar. It’s such a good point that love won’t feel the same with different people, so while it may feel different, that is not necessarily a bad thing (and doesn’t mean the love is any less or any more). I hadn’t really thought of it that way.

      Thanks again – I can’t wait to check out your blog this weekend, and definitely keep in touch! I know you can give me some great advice along my journey. Best of luck to you!

  56. October 1, 2010 3:26 am

    Oh what the heck: Go for it………………Very nicely written 🙂

  57. October 1, 2010 3:35 am

    Really touching post, sounds like you’re going through a really confusing time. It would be nice if one of us commented with all the right answers but I’m not sure that’s possible. best of luck with everything, and I’ll be coming back to read more.

    I’ve never been with someone for as long as 7 years, I’ve never been engaged, so I’ve never been through anything on your scale but I’ve been in love and I’ve been heartbroken. You need time to heal and enjoy the single life once you’ve been through something like that. But if you happen to meet someone who makes you happy (and it’s obvious that he does) then remember theres no actual set in stone timeline.

    And most of all, however painful heartbreak is, however much you feel as if you are dying, the pain utterly crippling…Love is worth that risk. Love is the best thing there is. It’s all there really is. Goodluck x

    • October 1, 2010 12:44 pm

      Hi there and thanks for your comment and kind words. Ha, it would be nice if I could choose just one comment and say – that’s what I should do, exactly. But I will say, all these comments have really gotten me thinking and have changed my perspective on the situation some. It’s like free therapy. 🙂

      I loved when you say in your comment, “Love is worth that risk. Love is the best thing there is. It’s all there really is.” That is so beautifully put, and I think that you are right.

      Thanks again for your comment and thoughts. 🙂

  58. October 1, 2010 3:36 am

    I am Iranian.
    I am poet.
    please visit my blog and send your comment about my poems.

    this is my Yahoo ID:

    Thank you
    Your friend
    Seyed Morteza Hamidzadeh

  59. Maria permalink
    October 1, 2010 4:49 am

    Wow, you are really great at writing! And you should definitely go for Chef! 😉

  60. October 1, 2010 6:19 am

    I loved reading your exploration of what’s happening between you and that chef. Siiiiigh.

    May you two continuously “arise in love”, as Rilke would have coined it. 🙂

    • October 1, 2010 12:46 pm

      Hi Ivy,
      Thanks for reading and commenting. I loved this poem – thanks so much for sharing it!

  61. October 1, 2010 7:30 am

    Good read. I’m here with you… Still missing my ex. Not ready to climb up to the ledge yet though.

    • October 1, 2010 12:48 pm

      Thanks so much. I’m sorry to hear that you are still missing your ex, I just have to keep believing that time heals all wounds and that eventually you (and I) will be 100 percent ready. Thanks for the comment.

  62. October 1, 2010 8:26 am


    What a beautifully eloquent and moving statement, which plays to the heart of the matter, the uncertainty of relationships, of individuals.

    I admire your boldness in expressing your feelings at such a tender and uncertain stage. You capture the emotional ambiguity perfectly.

    It seems to me that you are in a number of spaces simultaneously, grieving, hurting, changing, exploring, and needing; rarely is life so simple as to present just one challenge or choice! There is always a balance between the attraction of keeping multiple shiny options open and following through on just one.

    My own take is that first and foremost you need to love, look after and be true to yourself.

    Secondly, once you are in this space again (for we fall out of it periodically), then life is for sharing. You need to decide with whom, how and when you want to share; whatever you choose it should be on terms that work for you, are supportive of your needs, hopes and dreams. Personally I think that all relationships are time-bounded, some are long, some short, all have a purpose and the ‘trick’ is not through fear, insecurity or anything else let them outlive this purpose.

    Lastly, seize the moment! I think we tend to analyse and plan, and want our own view of perfection far too much, at the expense of real opportunity, a more complete, more truly perfect reality. Waiting is rarely a fruitful answer, the only timing that really matters is now. I am unconvinced by the old adage ‘if s/he really cares s/he will wait’; we all have our sensitivities, boundaries, protections, we all live in a state of flux and we all developing, growing and changing; the same opportunity rarely presents itself twice, and if it does appear a second time it is generally more qualified, circumscribed.

    If you are at all uncomfortable in any real sense stay on ledge, grab a branch or deploy a parachute, otherwise leap and see where you land!


    • October 1, 2010 12:55 pm

      Hi Axx,
      Thanks so much for this thoughtful comment. I really appreciate your words of advice. I agree (and love how you put it) that it’s important “to love, look after and be true to yourself.” I’m definitely going to think further about what you said about relationships being time-bounded. I never really thought of it that way, but that makes a lot of sense. And it’s so easy to let fear keep us from ending a relationship that has run its course.

      I love the thought of grabbing a branch or deploying a parachute, to maybe ease the fall, but to leap. Thanks again for your thoughts – this comment really resonated with me.

      • October 1, 2010 5:53 pm

        Seeing relationships in this way helps to ease some of the pressures that we burden them with, not least our own expectations and notably our naive hope that each person we meet might be ‘the one’ conforming to our own definition of perfect.

        To be honest very few of us really understand ourselves, so how can we pick a perfect partner, someone who meets our real needs rather than our wants or the things that we are conditioned to want?

        Even when we do understand our own selves, we are not static, we change, we evolve, as do our needs, our focus, and aspirations, which is true for each and every one of us.

        By implication our traveling companions may also change; some walk the road a short way, others longer, and perhaps a few are always there.

        We learn and grow through each person who accompanies us along the way. With each partner we share and grow. Sometimes this process continues and sometimes it comes to and end when one party ceases to grow or grows away.

        In trying to seek an inherently flawed perfection we often preclude ourselves from the sharing, learning, growing and fun that we need.


        • October 2, 2010 6:06 pm

          I completely hear what you are saying. I simply can’t go into every relationship expecting to find “the one.” In fact, I’m not completely sure I even believe that there is just one person out there any one person. I have found that, in my last relationship anyway, loving someone is loving the person they become, the person they change to be. My ex was not the same person three years in as he was on our first date. He was not the same person at the end either, and that caused us to end the relationship because the changes were too much to take. People are forever evolving, and you have to learn to love the person as they change (as they do you). I think you’re right, how many of us really understand (and actually love) ourselves? That’s an important part of finding someone who will love us too.

          Thanks for your comment. Your writing is very moving and you seem to really get relationships. I’m a work in progress … 🙂

      • October 4, 2010 9:24 am

        … a beautiful one!

  63. October 1, 2010 9:17 am

    Don’t be a wimp. Just by going on what you have written here, it’s obvious that you care for each other deeply.

    I wish you both luck.

  64. October 1, 2010 9:18 am

    Don’t be a wimp. Just by going on what you have written here, it’s obvious that you care for each other deeply.

    I wish you both luck.

    • October 1, 2010 12:48 pm

      Haha, love the “don’t be a wimp.” Tell me what you really think!! Thanks for your comment and advice. I’ll do my best. 🙂

  65. October 1, 2010 9:39 am

    What an amazing post! Caring that strongly for someone yet being unsure of if you’re ready for it is a hard place to be. I hope you get your feelings sorted out.

    Great writing! I’ll definitely be back!

    • October 1, 2010 12:49 pm

      Thank you so much! I too, hope my feelings get sorted out. Thanks for stopping by and I do hope you get a chance to come back. I’ll be checking out your blog too!

  66. October 3, 2010 4:14 am

    Quite Through, I agree with you, falling or being in this state is euphoric and full of enthusiast.

  67. October 3, 2010 7:48 pm

    You’ve heard this many times from many people but I loved your post and wanted to leave a comment. My advice- Take a chance. Give Chef a chance. If things go wrong, you’ll get up, dust yourself off and keep going. That’s what humans do. We get up and keep going.

    • October 3, 2010 10:38 pm

      Thank you so much Roseline. I appreciate the comment and the reminder… that is what we do. Pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and keep going. Your advice is noted 🙂

  68. October 4, 2010 11:18 pm

    Wow. The sheer volume of comments on this post kind of just blew my mind lol. As for my opinion…I say do whatever makes you happy…either it works out or it doesn’t…as long as you’re realistic (about life/love/etc.) and love (yourself, the world, whatever)…what’s the worst that can happen right?

    • October 5, 2010 10:18 am

      LOL, the sheer volume of comments was totally a fluke – My blog was featured on Freshly Pressed, so that’s why I got so much traffic that day :). I love your advice, thank you very much. The world is not so doom and gloom, and it either works out or it doesn’t … life goes on! Appreciate it 🙂

  69. eagle permalink
    October 5, 2010 3:40 pm

    hopefully i dont offend you and your loved one on this. But I think Mr Chef needs to give you a little space. You need time to clear your head from where you were, before stepping in another direction without fully knowing someone.

    Then again you knew the last guy for a few years and that didnt work. I’m just saying go easy, if you believe in signs and its meant to be , it will be. Otherwise slow cooking makes the best meals 🙂

    • October 5, 2010 6:32 pm

      No offense taken! Thanks for your comments and I appreciate your perspective. I think you’ll enjoy a post I have coming up later this week about Chef… regarding a little space.
      You are right, go easy. Take my time. I’m working on it! 🙂

  70. October 7, 2010 10:41 am

    Hello, I’m not sure where to write to you personaly so i guess here will do.
    For my English language A-level, Im writing an article surrounding blogging, the main topic is – Why do we blog?
    So, thats what I’m asking you, if you dont mind ofcourse
    Why do you blog?
    what does it offer you.

    I hope you don’t mind the questions,

    • October 7, 2010 10:42 am

      I forgot to tick the boxes :S sorry!

    • October 7, 2010 8:12 pm

      Hi Lizzy,
      Thanks for writing. You can always email me at if you would like. That sounds like an interesting article you are writing.

      Why do I blog? I blog because I have words, thoughts, feelings I want to share with the world. They’ve been bottled up for years, and some serious life changes suddenly released them. There was just one night when I had too much time on my hands, too much silence to contend with, so many words inside that I just needed to get out. So I started the blog. The blog is therapeutic for me, it is a release. It’s opened a whole new world of friendships (even if these people are just online) and it’s been a huge part of my recovery process. It also offers me the chance to continuously work on my writing and my storytelling abilities, something that is important to me because I want to be a writer. The blog also gives me an opportunity to really look at my life, regularly, and analyze where I am and where I want to be. It holds me accountable, in a way. And somehow, along the way, it’s become a really important passion of mine. It was just a project, something to do at first – now it’s something I don’t know how not to do.

      I hope that answers your questions. Feel free to email me if you have any more! Catherine


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