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Cheaters Never Prosper … Or Do They?

June 3, 2011

At a party a few weeks ago, I had two separate conversations with women who had recently been cheated on. One woman had been in a long-term relationship of a couple of years, the other had been married for more than 30 years, when they found out about their partner’s infidelity. When I expressed my condolences to these women for having been so betrayed, they both told me the exact same thing:

It wasn’t the cheating that bothered them the most; it was the fact that the man they were with was so blatant in his cheating. He didn’t even show them the respect of hiding it.

I was stunned. I had never heard this point of view on cheating in my life, and here are two women, from two different circumstances, in two separate conversations, telling me the same thing. They both believed that while cheating was wrong, it happens. More often than not. The married woman told me that her husband didn’t bother to hide his weekend excursions with his girlfriend, packing a bag in front of her and only making a half-hearted attempt at an excuse for where he was going. The woman in the long-term relationship told me that her boyfriend would go out until all hours of the night, with no excuse as to where he’d been or who he’d been with. And both were upset – no, they were pissed – not because he cheated, but because he didn’t hide it better.

They could live with the cheating as long as they didn’t know about it. They preferred the happiness and comfort of the relationship, and would rather be oblivious to their partners’ wrong doing. Just as long as he did a good job of hiding it.

cheating man picture, dog

How fun would it be to be crazy/courageous enough to do something like this? Photo courtesy of denharsh

As long as I can remember, I’ve always said that I would never stay with someone who cheated on me. I’d tell him not to the let the door hit him on the way out. I imagined myself changing the locks, throwing his clothes and other personal items out the window onto our perfectly manicured lawn, where he would beg me to let him back in, just in time for the rain to pour down, me to shut the window and ultimately shut him out of my life forever. After watching one too many Lifetime movies, I wasn’t taking any crap from any man.

And then I was cheated on. And I found myself still wanting to stay with him after more than one transgression. Then, I was lied to and probably cheated on (jury is still out), and I somehow managed to feel sorry for him. Sorry because he had ruined everything, and I could see in the sorrow and regret in his eyes that he knew it too. This may be the biggest mistake he ever made. Sorry because I didn’t want to be with someone I couldn’t trust, and I had to leave. Even though I didn’t want to.

I remember what I wrote in the Six Months post, and it’s still so true:

I used to always think, how do people stay with someone who did them wrong? How do they take that person back, knowing what they did, seeing it in their face every single day? How do they eat cereal across from someone at the kitchen table each morning, and not want to yell and scream because of the pain this person who supposedly loved them caused? I never understood how someone could take that person back and continue to live life as though nothing had ever happened. It’s not as hard for me to comprehend as it used to be. The pain of what that person did to you, the lies, the cheating, whatever they did, it becomes part of you. The longer you know about it, it stops shocking you so much. It’s just a fact: This person did me wrong. He has green eyes. We started dating in July of 2003. He has one brother and a dog that hated me. I never saw him without facial hair – not once. And he did me wrong. Terribly wrong. But it’s just a fact, like his green eyes or his beard. This man hurt me, but now that the shock and the overwhelming sadness over it have passed, I can live with it.

When everything happened with my ex fiancé, no one wanted to give me advice. “Do you think I should cancel the wedding?” I would ask. No one wanted to tell me what was right. Especially not my family. It took me being months removed from the relationship to realize that no one wanted to tell me to leave him because they were afraid I’d take him back, and then they would become the enemy. So everyone just told me they would support me no matter what I did. Of course, once everyone realized I really had ended it and it was over for good, people came out of the woodwork to tell me I’d made the right decision. Too little too late.

I couldn’t disagree more with these two women I spoke with at the party. If you are going to cheat on me, don’t hide it. Hell, don’t cheat on me. But if you are going to do me the disservice of cheating on me, then just tell me. Put me out of my misery. Don’t let me go years thinking that you are a wonderful person and that we have an amazing future ahead of us when all you are doing is deceiving me.

But really, don’t cheat. Is it that hard? It is too much for me to ask that my partner be faithful to me? These women, who have far more relationship experience than I do, think that cheating is to be expected. Most men, maybe even most women for that matter, will cheat on you. How they treat you while they are cheating is what matters.

I simply cannot accept that. And maybe that means I die alone. So be it.

Then there are the women who, when their boyfriend cheats, they get angrier with the woman with whom he cheated than their boyfriend. “That whore knew we were together,” she’d say. “I met her at Jamie’s pool party and he introduced me as his girlfriend. I’m gonna kick her ass!”

Really? Your anger is best directed at the woman who slept with your man? What, do you think he was totally innocent and she’s some sort of sorceress who seduced him? Did she drug him? Somehow make him forget all about you? How dare she?!

This is how I see it: There will always be trifling women. There will always be women in this world who want to take what you have. They see a decent man in a committed relationship and they are attracted like a moth to a flame.

I am not concerned with these women. They don’t owe me anything (unless they are my best friend or something, which is a whole different story). But do you know who does owe me something? The person with whom I chose to spend my life. The person I go to sleep with every night and say “I love you” to in the morning. He owes me his loyalty and faithfulness. Like I said, there will always be trifling women. Any anger I have over my significant other cheating on me goes exactly where it should: on him.

I would love to hear what you all think. I know from the previous comments that many of you have experience with cheaters. Would you rather know or not know? Would you be mad at the person with whom your significant other cheated? Is there anyone out there who has been the cheater that would like to offer some insight?

**For the record, I am aware that women cheat as well. I simply couldn’t write this post in a politically correct “when he/she cheats, it hurts his/her partner” way. It’s awkward to write that way, and at the end of the day, my experience is with men cheating. But please understand that I know this road goes both ways and I would still like to hear from my handful of male readers!**

92 Comments leave one →
  1. Kelly permalink
    June 3, 2011 8:49 am

    I am famous for telling my husband that if I were going cheat he would be the first to know because I would leave him first. I would never do to someone what I don’t want them to do to me. I will for the life of me never understand how someone can take back a cheater, I feel once a cheat always a cheat; that’s just me. I could never trust that person again , I would always wonder are they cheating again and it would drive me and the other person crazy. Now I know that people are not perfect and a drunken night of passion shouldn’t always end a relationship but for me it would; I just could never move past it. I feel for anyone man or woman that has been cheated on because I know from previous experience all future relationships they will always wonder is this person faithful? I can tell you I have been married for 23 years and there are still times even this many years later when the thought will creep into my head is he cheating? I am sorry to say for me the trust issue has always been a factor since I know what it feels like to have someone cheat on me. Not all men are cheaters it just takes some digging to find the ones that aren’t.

    • June 3, 2011 10:27 am

      I wholeheartedly have faith that our marriage will be without infidelity partly because my husband sees things in black & white and says that he would never disrespect me or our marriage without first ending it. It’s an odd solace.

      • June 10, 2011 7:39 pm

        Hey, whatever works. At least you have faith. No matter where it comes from, I think that’s a better place to be than to feel really untrusting.

      • March 3, 2013 10:27 pm

        my ex told me the same thing,,he would never cheat or disrespect me that way..he was doing both

    • June 10, 2011 7:38 pm

      Kelly, way to put fear in his heart! 🙂 Part of me finds it a little sad that even after 23 years you still wonder. How frustrating to spend your entire life with trust issues. I really hope we both can be more trusting – if and only if it is deserved 🙂 But, like I said, I’ve always said I couldn’t understand how someone takes a cheater back. I think my experiences the past year have helped me get it a bit more – somethings things aren’t black and white, and sometimes it’s harder than some people can handle to leave.

  2. June 3, 2011 8:52 am

    I was cheated on by my husband of 7 years and that was the end of our marriage. I suspected it (she was a softball groupie), but our marriage was over. He wanted to be with her (He later cheated on her and she threw him out) and I didn’t know what I wanted. I wanted to be not cheated on. My daughter’s fiance cheated on her and that was the end of their relationship. She kicked him to the curb. Good for her. Better to be alone than live a lie.

    • June 10, 2011 7:25 pm

      “Better to be alone than live a lie.” AMEN!! I totally agree. I’m sorry to hear you were cheated on. That’s terrible. Your story does lend credence to the “once a cheater, always a cheater” mantra considering he then cheated on her as well. Good riddance.

  3. Joe permalink
    June 3, 2011 9:45 am

    if you’re going to cheat
    for gawd’s sake be discreet!

    • June 10, 2011 7:33 pm

      LOL. I got nothing to say about this comment except…
      Better yet, DON’T CHEAT!

  4. June 3, 2011 10:46 am

    I hate to think that cheating is an expected behavior. I don’t cheat, so why should it be allowed for someone else?

    When I suspected and then found out my ex was cheating, it took awhile for it to sink in. In the end, it was the lying and cheating combo that made me leave him.

    • June 10, 2011 7:40 pm

      I definitely don’t want to get in the mindset/situation where I believe that cheating is just to be expected. I really think I’d rather be alone. Imagine the stress you’d have in your relationship if you just knew that someday/sometime, he’d do something shady? I just can’t do it.

  5. Just Sayin permalink
    June 3, 2011 10:58 am

    What is wrong with people who stay in relationships where a spouse cheats? Seriously.

    “They could live with the cheating as long as they didn’t know about it. They preferred the happiness and comfort of the relationship, and would rather be oblivious to their partners’ wrong doing. Just as long as he did a good job of hiding it..”….What about the STD”S he could be bringing home??? Anyone? Anyone?

    You should assume if he’s cheating, and not smart enough to be discreet about his affairs, why would he be safe about the sex with them either?

    I have first hand experience dating a cheater. I’ve even unknowingly been the other woman. When I learned of that one, I was appalled. Got tested right away.

    • June 10, 2011 7:35 pm

      “You should assume if he’s cheating, and not smart enough to be discreet about his affairs, why would he be safe about the sex with them either?”….
      Wow, great point. Surprised with myself that I didn’t go here… considering I have a permanent after school special in my head. So true. Sorry to hear you have had experience with a cheater, and even unwillingly been the other woman. I think most of us deal with one cheater in our lives…hopefully it teaches us to never do that to someone else.

  6. June 3, 2011 11:10 am

    Thankfully I’ve no personal experience with this….but I can’t imagine how one could ever take back a cheater. Once a trust like that is broken…how can it ever be the same? I’d say…why cheat…just have the decency to break up first (that will hurt enough) and then do whatever you want. But obviously most cheaters want to have it both ways…the safety and comfort of the relationship and the “thrill” of the affair.

    I’d rather know sooner rather than later…the less pain that way. But men who are not discreet make no sense to me. If they want their cake and to eat it too they should be discreet so as to keep both. If they are not discreet they must be using it as a way to break up???? Why not just break up first??!! I don’t get it….

    • June 10, 2011 7:43 pm

      I agree with you, just break up first! But, part of me wonders if people who cheat and do not hide it are just showing a lack of respect. And maybe they enjoy treating their partner that way? I mean, it’s disrespectful enough to cheat, but to cheat and then basically throw it in your partner’s face is a whole other issue. I rmember an episode of Oprah where this expert was talking about how many people cheat not because of sex, but because for some undelying reason they fundamentally want to hurt their partner. Even if their partner doesn’t find out, they find some solace in them that they hurt them. I think that’s just terrible – and it’s kind of a scary thought.

  7. June 3, 2011 11:20 am

    Don’t cheat, period. Sounds simple enough, but for some reason these same people who seem to really be interested in getting involved in a relationship have the hardest time with this.

    I’ve never been cheated on really, at least not that I’m aware of and I say really because I’m thinking someone who cheats on you electronically is in a different category. Maybe.

    My ex was a cyber cheater – he used his Facebook account and e-mail to stay in touch with his “friends” and although I never SAW that he followed up on what he was writing to women, it was enough for me to eventually dump him.

    Notice I said saw because my little cheating genius left his account logged in on MY computer.

    Like many of us, when I learned of what he was doing I went to my faithful support group – my girls, and though I didn’t necessarily ask them what they would do, I received all type of feedback from “give him another chance” to “well he didn’t ACTUALLY cheat right?” to “he’s cheating, dump him”.

    Decisions, decisions. So for the first time ever in my dating life, I gave someone a second chance. Big mistake.

    Once someone has breached that trust, it’s gone and no matter how much you tell yourself you’ve forgiven them, you really haven’t. The thought of their actions, wondering what you can do to keep them from doing it again, asking yourself if they revealed everything to you, looking for signs that they’re stepping out again.

    The short answer? Yes, I would rather know. That’s ridiculous to have the mentality of not wanting to know and pretending that everything is okay.

    • June 6, 2011 10:48 pm

      My Dating Hangovers,
      “Once someone has breached that trust, it’s gone and no matter how much you tell yourself you’ve forgiven them, you really haven’t. The thought of their actions, wondering what you can do to keep them from doing it again, asking yourself if they revealed everything to you, looking for signs that they’re stepping out again.”

      I couldn’t have said it any better myself. This is exactly why I couldn’t stay with my ex after everything went down. I just didn’t want to live with that feeling of lost trust for the rest of my life.

      And for the record… I think cyber cheating is cheating. They are capable of cheating online, so they are obviously capable of deceit. Eventually it’ll probably move to the real world.

      • June 7, 2011 10:10 am

        Agreed. There are so many gray areas, but once trust is broken, it’s a lie, it’s a cheat. Well said.

  8. June 3, 2011 12:02 pm

    My dirty little secret. I was the other woman – for three years. It honestly started out simple enough…we met at a work event and started chatting. He didn’t wear a ring, and I just assumed that he was single. Several weeks later, I saw him again at another work function and we just clicked. We talked for hours – to the point where my boss came over and mentioned that it looked like we were hitting it off. He asked me out for a drink that Friday and that’s when I found out he was married. However, he told me that they were having problems and that he was seeing a lawyer to start divorce proceedings. I’ve never felt so connected to a person before, ever. Long story short – he’s still married. I fell in love with him. I’m physically and emotionally attracted to him and even though my head tells me that it’s not right for his family, my heart thinks of herself. He will never leave his wife. She knows that I was in the picture and hated me. I don’t blame her…but she keeps taking him back into her house and life.

    What she doesn’t know is that I was envious of her life and the fact that she could spend every night with him…go to dinner without watching her back, with him…hold hands, with him.

    I’m still not over him. I think about how different my life would’ve been if I bumped into him at college years ago because I do think he’s the love of my life.

    • June 3, 2011 5:40 pm

      Then you’d be the married woman with the cheating husband today.

    • June 6, 2011 12:26 pm

      It’s like you are telling my own story here. I can relate 100%…

    • June 6, 2011 10:36 pm

      Wow Miz Adventures. Thank you so much for sharing this story. I don’t know what to say, because I really haven’t been there. I feel bad for you because this guy obviously hurt you very deeply. My only thought is that if he was truly the love of your life, you would work. Just let everyone told me when I was going through my breakup, if it’s meant to be, it’ll be. I wonder if any of your feelings for him have to do with the fact that he belongs to someone else? I don’t say that to diminish what you guys had or to put you down, I just know that in my experiences, often not being able to have someone made me want them more, and have stronger feelings for them. Just a thought. Thanks again for sharing your story/thoughts.

  9. June 3, 2011 12:47 pm

    Catherine, I read your post this morning before heading to my children’s school for a choir performance. I mention this because, when I got there, I was struck by how surreal it still feels to attend these functions alone — not with my husband of 10 years, who would always go with me. He was there this morning — not with me, of course, but with the “other woman” in our relationship.

    And as I stood there, watching my children glow from youth and pride and sing their beautiful little hearts out, I recognized the crazy irony that I’m the one who felt uncomfortable. I’m the one who felt stupid and alone, as my ex and his wife stood there admiring my children, her hugging my children post-performance and calling them “Love.” Surreal. And just plain yucky.

    In the context of your post, I want to share one realization I’ve come to, three years post-divorce: Cheaters DO prosper. I think of this every day — they get away with it, live their lives, move on and find happiness. Because I’m convinced that people who CAN cheat don’t truly feel in the same way that those of us who CAN’T cheat feel. So they don’t suffer in agony. They prosper. We, the loyal ones, the lied-to ones, the formerly trusting ones…we suffer. They prosper.

    I’m not saying that many of them aren’t miserable in their lives, or continue to jump from affair to affair, or fall on desperate times. I’m sure some do. But I’ve watched my ex and his second wife bulldoze lives and blindside two families (mine and hers…he left me for her, she left her husband for him). I have been through court battles with them, watched her try to assume every aspect of my identity (even starting a blog in response to my blog and espouse her new desire to be a “freelance writer”), I’ve watched them manipulate and alter and try to assimilate my children as theirs. And you know what? Largely, it has all worked. They are getting away with it. They are prospering.

    And me? I’m encountering dead squirrels and having dreams about poop weddings! 😉

    Anyhow, just a few thoughts. It’s been another emotionally charged morning, as it is almost every time there’s a school event, a baseball game, a dance recital (which is almost EVERY SINGLE DAY!!!). I just wish I could go somewhere else and start over. And prosper yet again.

    But instead, I just sit back and watch these cheaters prosper. And it sucks.

    • June 6, 2011 10:08 pm

      Ugh. I hate that your comment resonates so much with me. So many of the cheaters I’ve seen in my life, including those that cheated on me, were doing just fine after the relationship ended. Sometimes, it felt like they were doing so much better than me and that is just so unfair. I know life isn’t fair, but damn it, it should be. There SHOULD be some kind of karma that will bite them in the ass for the things they did the lives they ruined. But it seems that karma is often taking a vacation when it comes to cheating. Or maybe karma is more elusive, acting behind the scenes, and we don’t even see it’s influence but it’s always there. That’s what I hope. That these cheaters are suffering, maybe inside, I just don’t the chance to see it.
      I was always told growing up that if I was a good person and did my very best, things would work out. It ges old, but I’m trying to be a good person. I always strive to do my best. And I need to stop comparing my life to the lives of the cheaters who I think should be worse off than me. They’ll get theirs.

      • June 7, 2011 10:18 am

        Wow, your comment struck me. I agree. I think I am hung up on my previous relationship because I feel like he skated by (always has). He was able to move on, no issues, with a lot of the goods I provided. I still want the Karma Bus to hit him.

        But, “When you know better, you do better.” Sadly, because we know better, we pick up the slack for those who are devoid of morals, who will never understand the repercussions of their actions. It’s frustrating, but I trust that good things still will come.

  10. June 3, 2011 12:47 pm

    What I wonder is if those serial cheaters ever wonder if Karma will catch up with them. I know a guy who has cheated on his last 3 girlfriends. He’s now met someone he says he’s really in to. This one is different, I can be myself, I can be honest without needing to compromise. I just sat there and plastered a smile on my face, watching that anvil hanging over his head keep dropping lower and lower,

    Yes. Karma is a bitch. And it does catch up to people.

    • June 6, 2011 10:28 pm

      I slightly hope that karma does catch up to people, if only because I know that I’m a good person, and for the most part, I will have good karma coming my way. Makes me wonder if the guy you’ve spoken about here will cheat again. Maybe he wouldn’t cheat if he knew how it felt himself?

      • Ellen permalink
        June 28, 2015 2:29 am

        Your posts are so helpful to read. Cheaters, as stated earlier, have no morals and are dead inside. They have hearts of stone and understandably so. Who could live with a clear conscience knowing they have scarred or changed other’s lives without merit?

        So they must suppress the guilt, deny the “right and wrong” philosophy to preserve their sanity. What a tortured life! As a result, they Pretend life is good after the breakup and start cheating themselves from realty. These people don’t prosper and if you forget about them, one day, their deceitful life can not be hidden anymore.
        I believe the people who have been victimized ( like me) by these characters are not going to see the karma until we have healed, freed from the relationship so that we will not jeopardize our health and sanity by possibly re-entering the relationship.

        My ex cheated, I left him. It was 4 years later when I saw the aftermath of his dirty deeds. I had sympathy for him, but would not take him back. Why? I was over him. Alone, yes but satisfied with the ” healthy” decision I made and sincerely hoped the best for him. 4 years earlier, I could not have been the better person to have those sentiments.

  11. June 3, 2011 1:17 pm

    I think that maybe — MAYbe– I could deal with one drunken night that a guy was hugely apologetic over and all broken up over the whole thing and blah blah blah. But just stone cold sober deciding to go bang some other chick? Nope. Couldn’t do it. An on-going affair? Hells to the no. And I certainly am not ready to accept cheating as one of life’s hard realities — just another thing you have to accept.

    • June 5, 2011 10:42 am

      Carefu who you tell that to – don’t tell your partner you could “maybe” deal with a drunken night or he may feel like he has a free pass! I agree with you – I am not willing to surrender to the fact that cheating is just a reality and I’ll probably experience it with anyone I’m with. Just can’t do it. Too depressing and it makes me feel like, why try?

      • June 10, 2011 3:21 pm

        ha! yeah, I don’t go around telling people that they’d get one free pass with me. and i’d better be sure not to tell my fella that i read and comment on your blog. I actually had a friend in high school and her parents had cheated on each other when they were married, and they’d both remarried and they all cheated to, so at 16 she was already convinced that genuine committed relationships were a fantasy. I think it would be awful to be that jaded that young. Maybe some people would just think that she has realistic expectations, but I think it’s unfair to automatically assume that everyone is gonna cheat. Is that crazy?

        • June 10, 2011 7:00 pm

          Wow, I feel for your friend. I bet that really warped the way she feels about relationships. I agree with you – it’s probably unfair to automatically assume every person WILL cheat. However…. I don’t think it’s that bad to assume that every person is CAPABLE of cheating. So, you put the effort into your relationships. You keep things fresh. You love with all you have. You don’t let yourslf go. You take care of your partner as much as you can, to avoid giving them any reason to stray. And then you hope that it works out for the best. I think that’s all you can do.

  12. June 3, 2011 3:13 pm

    I agree completely with what you’ve written. I would want to know if someone cheated on me. It would tell me that they weren’t the person I thought they were. As Mikalee Byerman wrote above, I think that carrying out ongoing infidelity requires a certain amount of detachment from empathy for one’s partner, and I’d want to know if my partner turned out to have this trait.

    I was cheated on once and I only found out because she told me just after she broke up with me. She could easily have said nothing and I would never have known. But I’m glad that she told me, partly because I just like the idea of knowing the truth and having all of the information, but partly because it released me from wanting to try to get back together with her.

    • June 5, 2011 10:40 am

      Hello Matt! Missed you 🙂 I agree in your situation, I think that I would be happy my partner told me, even after the breakup. You don’t want to have this rosy vision of her when it isn’t at all based on fact.

  13. Grey Goose, Dirty permalink
    June 3, 2011 3:39 pm

    I don’t understand the whole concept of cheating. If you’re inclined to be with someone else, then break it off with whoever you’re with.

    I always thought I would never stay with someone who cheated on me. I do have some modicum of self respect, after all. Yeah right. I was cheated on. By the same guy; multiple times. And I did stay. Love does some crazy stuff to your normally logical mindset. If asked the question today ‘would I stay with someone who cheated on me’ I would absolutely say no. If it were to actually happen again, I just don’t know though. 😦

    • June 3, 2011 4:04 pm

      @ Grey Goose, if only it could be that simple. In my eyes, the cheater is a coward. They’re afraid that who they have might really be a good one so enters their reluctance to just let them go.

      For those of us who have been cheated on, we’re likely to say we don’t know about staying with the loser who did it. Still, I’m inclined to say we’ve learned our lessons and are NOT likely to stick it out with any cheaters after that one.

      If it isn’t working, you’ve told them and tried resolving whatever isn’t fulfilling you in a relationship, just leave.

      • June 5, 2011 10:38 am

        I think there are so many motivations for cheaters and so many different kinds of cheaters that it’s hard to say they all do it for the same reason or that that they are all cowards. I know, idealing, someone can “just leave” but it’s not that simple. Especially when you have a family and life together. It takes a lot of personal strength for someone to “just leave” and not everyone has it, especially if it’s never happened to them before and they don’t know how to handle it.

    • June 5, 2011 10:34 am

      Grey Goose,
      Exactly – you really don’t know what you’ll do, how you’ll feel, unless you experience it for yourself. It took me getting cheated on to finally realize I should stop judging people in my same boat. I always lost respect for a person when they stayed with a cheater, but it’s not always that cut and dry. You can’t judge until you are in their shoes.

  14. June 3, 2011 8:11 pm

    I’ve been cheated on, but unfortunately he broke up with me first and I found out after. I suspected it but never knew for sure. If I knew would I have stayed? Hell no! No man deserves me if he is going to cheat.

    But if I don’t know… Well then I don’t know. I’m not saying I would rather not know, and I would hope that if he was cheating he would have the balls to tell me, but if he didn’t and I never suspected, well I guess he wins.

    I also don’t believe that everyone cheats, that has to be a complete lie. I’m sure there are a ton of people who do, but there are also a lot of people who don’t. And I strongly agree that once s cheater always a cheater.

    • June 5, 2011 10:27 am

      I almost went down the path of “once a cheater, always a cheater” in this post, but just didn’t have the energy. I agree with you on this. And I believe that because I don’t believe that people change, as I blogged about before. What you said about “if I don’t know, then I don’t know” is my scariest thought. I would never ever want to not know. And that makes me feel like a crazy girlfriend because I always have my eyes open and I’m always wondering if he’s cheating. I’d so much just rather believe he’s not. But I’m afraid if I do that, I’ll be blindsightd when he does.

  15. June 4, 2011 9:46 am

    @That’s why you’re single: Karma is a Buddhist belief which transcends over life times. Therefore Karma doesn’t always come back and bite the cheaters in the ass (not in this life in any case).

    @Mikalee: Do cheaters always prosper? I don’t know. The other way of looking at it is that you prospered from getting out of an unhealthy relationship. One that was disrespectful.

    @Simply Solo:From my experience many women stay with cheaters because it is easier sometimes to stay rather than to leave and start over. “Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t”. Sometimes its the kids that keep people together, or the amount of years they’ve already shared. And sometimes its just the “victims” lack of self-worth that keeps them hanging on by their fingernails to an emotionally abusive relationship. “Whatever you are willing to put up with, is exactly what you will have.”

    No one will understand why people stay with a cheater , until they have been cheated on. And those who are cheated on sometimes prefer to turn a blind eye. Everyone has their own borders, and people only open their eyes when they are ready to.

    I ended up leaving my husband, not because he cheated, but because he didn’t do what a remorseful husband should do if he actually has any regret. He didn’t give me the 100% love and support I needed in order to try to build the trust back again. Had he done it maybe I would have stayed. But no one knows if it would have lasted after that trust was so painfully broken.

    • June 5, 2011 10:04 am

      I think you are totally right regarding “better the devil you know than the devil you don’t.” It can be scary to think of starting over. Especially when you have a family to support and you’ve been with someone for years. I also agree that you don’t know what you’ll do in a cheating situation until it happens to you. I acted very differently than I thought I would have. And, for the first time in my life, I understood how people can stay in that sort of relationship.
      Sorry to hear about your husband cheating and not doing what he needed to do to repair the relationship. I think some guys don’t realize that they could maybe get you back after a situation – they think it is impossible or they don’t want to put the work in. After the trust is gone, I can’t see myself staying in the relationship.

      • Ellen permalink
        June 28, 2015 2:40 am

        These males got what they thought they wanted, but lost what they had. Trust me, they are very familiar with the feeling of “regret”.

  16. June 4, 2011 2:28 pm

    I’d say that the fact that there are still so many cheaters in the world is proof that cheaters do indeed prosper.

    If they didn’t, the practice of cheating would quickly die out….

  17. June 4, 2011 9:53 pm

    Though I don’t talk about it much – actually, never – I was cheated on in my marriage, and that’s why the marriage ended. The very thought that she had sullied our sacred bond by pressing her lips against those of another man – who knew she was married but didn’t care – was too much for me to bear. I could never look at her in the same way again.

    And ironically, I’m not perfect, either. After that incident, I found myself in a situation or two that I am not proud to admit being a part of. I think that maybe I felt so wronged, I lashed back…even if it wasn’t with her.

    Sigh. I hate cheating. The world would be a much simpler place if we could just, as Stephen Stills once declared, love the one we’re with.

    • June 5, 2011 9:49 am

      Mark, I agree completely. Life, and relationships, would be so much better/easier if we could just rely on our partners to be faithful. If that were the standard, not the other. It seems I’m on this quest to find a good guy, the guy who won’t cheat on me or do me wrong, but it seems (from everyone I talk to) that finding a guy like that is nearly impossible. It’s more likely I’ll be cheated on. What a terrible thought!

      I’m sorry that your wife did that to you, it’s not fair and its certainly not right. Do you mind if I ask a question – I know you don’t talk about this much. But, did you find yourself mad at the man she cheated with?

      • June 5, 2011 2:09 pm

        Of course I’m mad at him. He knew she was married and yet, didn’t give a damn. What makes it worse is, he’s the one she ended up marrying earlier this year. Ugh.

        • June 6, 2011 10:12 pm

          Ugh. That’s terrible. I hope that my question didn’t come off as insensitive, I just wondered where you stood on him, as far as your anger. Thanks for sharing.

        • Ellen permalink
          June 28, 2015 2:42 am

          The marriage will not last.

  18. Leticia permalink
    June 6, 2011 7:19 am

    The rule “once a cheater-always a cheater” applies in most cases, I guess. I never cheated on anyone, I just could not do it. There is moral radar inside me. it´s similar to shoplifting, most of us don´t steal, because it´s a) wrong and b) punished. I think people tolerate cheating too much. And when people don´t punish cheating they make it standard normal behavior.
    I cannot imagine I would ever steal anything and the same goes with cheating. I believe it´s fair to break-up with your current boyfriend in case you want to kiss/sleep someone else. I was never ever cheated on, but if it had happened to me, I know I would have left instantly. It´s the purest deal-breaker, the breach of trust code, the absolute lose-lose situation in the relationship. I also have other rule: who really loves, doesn´t cheat. Sounds like a naive fairy-tale, but I really feel it that way.

    And Catherine, I think it was wise to walk away from him. Your´re way too young, nice, smart and beautiful to settle for someone who cheats and lies to you. So many girls and women believe they can make him stop cheating, but that´s based on empirical experience of my friends, nearly impossible.

    • June 6, 2011 9:58 pm

      Thanks so much for your kind words and insight. I do think people make mistakes sometimes, as we have all done something of which we weren’t proud. I’m not saying that it’s forgiveable or that it’s to be expected, but I can’t put into one bucket all the cheaters and call them immoral. Every situation is different. Yes, it is ALWAYS wrong to cheat, but don’t you agree sometimes it’s more wrong than others and sometimes it truly is a mistake? Maybe that person should be left and have to start over with someone else, but maybe it’s possible they won’t do it again. i don’t know. I gotta leave a little hope in my heart that sometimes it is just a mistake and the person won’t do it again in their next relationship… Ugh. I don’t even know what I think though, because ask me another day, and I’m all about “I’ll never date a guy who has cheated on anyone before.” I’m dating schitzophrenic 🙂

  19. June 6, 2011 12:30 pm

    Funny because I cheated on someone who cheated on ALL of his girlfriends at one point or another. He was heart broken because he was so in love with me, but I didn’t get too attached because of his vicious past. All of his friends told him … “It’s karma dude, what goes around comes around”.

    I’ve also been the other woman, in a few cases.

    • June 6, 2011 10:25 pm

      While I would never condone cheating, I do like the fact that he deserved it. At least he got what was coming to him. Although, what in the world was it like to be the other woman? Did that hurt your self esteem at all?

      • June 9, 2011 10:05 am

        Amazingly enough, two out of the three circumstances where I was the “other woman” (and just to point out, I knew in all cases that they were engaged or married), they broke up with their S.O’s to pursue a relationship with me. My self esteem wasn’t compromised because I made it clear that they needed to end things before pursuing with me. And they did.
        In the other case, where the one was married, I knew he would never leave his wife. We only spent a week together (we were high school friends too), and never slept together. We just saw each other everyday, kissed a few times and “enjoyed each other’s company”. He did tell his wife that he had this little fling with me and we only see each other in social settings, but we are still friends.

        • June 10, 2011 7:12 pm

          Wow…thanks for sharing your background. Maybe I’m crazy but I just find the whole dynamic interesting, considering I’ve never been in that position. What I wonder is if you ever wondering if these men that left their signifcant others for you, if they would do the same to you? That’s what would probably always be in the back of my mind.

  20. Random Cook permalink
    June 7, 2011 3:02 pm

    This one girl I was with came home wearing a towel and some other dude’s Abercrombie shirt. Then told me that is was my shirt. It is now. Still have it and still wear it. My landlord saw her get out of a cab and called to tell me that he would appreciate if she was clothed when she got home from now on. Point is…I don’t know what happened, she never told me, but the utter disgust I had towards her was enough to deter me from cheating. Sometimes, that’s what it takes for people. It’s like losing a parent to lung cancer will probably stop you from smoking. Every guy says they won’t cheat, just like every girl. In the end, cheating can be defined in so many ways. Is having dirty thoughts about a co-worker or the waitress at the local bar cheating? Is sexting cheating? So, we probably all cheat in one way or another, and we put the line at “physical contact.” I doubt my grandmother has ever thought about anyone other than my grandfather and vice versa. Generations are much different now, women are far more liberal and available now then 50 years ago, etc… In the end though…cheaters never prosper and never will. Unless you’re playing baseball.

    • June 10, 2011 7:50 pm

      Random Cook,
      I have to tell you, don’t think I’d EVER wear that shirt. Who knows what kinda guy she got it from? Gross. I agree with you that being cheated on can deter you from cheating, but I see it a little differently. I think the pain it feels to be cheated on is a good deterrent for cheating on someone else. Just knowing how much it hurts makes me never want to do it to someone else. Hmmm as far as your questions…. although I know they were more just rhetorical…. but I think dirty thoughts are not cheating. Sexting is cheating. But I have to disagree with you on generations… I think here have always been cheaters. Maybe not sexting, but love affairs through letters. It may be a little more prevalent now, but I know our parents, our parent’s parents and so on, all were faced with many of the same issues. It just wasn’t so readily available, maybe, through Facebook, etc. And people weren’t so easily caught by reading an errant text message, hacking into a Facebook account or perusing a cell phone bill. It’s just different technologies/different ways of meeting someone to cheat with… but there have and always will be cheaters.

  21. 2NewBeginnings permalink
    June 8, 2011 11:02 am

    My ex-husband used to cyber cheat on me. He would go into the live chats and have his little “friends”. I would go to bed and he would stay up late on the computer. He promised me that he had stopped all of that and he tried at times, but I would once in a while sneak out of bed to see if I could catch him. I’m sorry, I know we are told that this is acceptable behavior from guys and that is just how a guy is, so deal with it. Nope, not acceptable with me. One time, it was our anniversary and I had surprised him with a getaway. We went to see Eric Clapton in concert, his favorite musician. I stepped out to relax in the hot tub for a bit, he of course didn’t want to come out with me. While I was relaxing, he was ordering porn on the hotel TV! Yeah, real nice huh! He said it wasn’t me, that I was beautiful and sexy and that he always wanted me, but this was just a bad habit that he couldn’t shake.

    Anyhow, after years of neglect, emotional abuse, feeling single when I was actually married and feeling so lonely because my husband never made time for me. And the fact that he never wanted to do anything with me. Very lonely time in my life, I met a guy friend. It started out innocent and just a complete friend, nothing more. But, then he started paying attention to me. Giving me compliments, making me feel good about myself again. Making me feel like I mattered, like I was worth something again. As a woman, I have a need to be validated. I need to feel like I am needed, like my presence in someone’s life matters. I hadn’t felt that way with my husband in years. I stopped this friend relationship before it completely went physical and got out of hand, because of how I was raised and I knew that it was wrong. But, for once in my life I could understand how something completely innocent could change in an instant and be completely what you had not intended on. I’m not saying cheating is ever acceptable, but I think sometimes when we neglect our companions and leave them longing for us, it is easy for them to need and want to reach out to someone else. It’s not that they want the other person and want to cheat, it’s that they want us but we are not available and we are blinded into thinking that everything is okay when it is so far from that. We are selfish as indvidiuals at times and we only think of our needs, not our companions.

    So, I don’t agree with once a cheater always a cheater in all cases. I think sometimes things just happen, we make mistakes and hopefully learn from them. We are human and being human means you are going to fail at some point in your life. Regret things that you wish you could take back, but you can’t. You never really know what you would do until you have walked in that person’s shoes. Now, if it’s the opposite and this person just cheats just to cheat, then yeah maybe once a cheater always a cheater as no lesson has been learned, YET.

    • June 10, 2011 7:58 pm

      Wow, thanks so much for sharing this story. I feel so badly for what you went through wth your ex. You certainly didn’t deserve to be treated that way, and so much of me understands why you were drawn to another man. It’s totally understandable. I’m happy you didn’t go through with anything, and it reassures me some that you were able to draw that line, even in such a bad relationship. I have to say I agree with you that sometimes the circumstances are ripe for this sort of thing to happen. There are different shades of cheating, for sure. Obviously someone who trolls for a sex partner at the airport when they are away on business is different that someone who cheats with a coworker when being neglected at home. I think we all just have to remember what’s right and what’s wrong and end the innappropriate relationship – even if we feel justified in having it. And, I really do hope you are right that “once a cheater, always a cheater” isn’t true and people learn from those mistakes… I struggle with forgiveness, so sometimes, this is a hard one for me.
      Thanks again for your comment and for sharing your story! I should combine all your comments into a book – you are so insightful!

  22. June 8, 2011 4:59 pm

    “I simply cannot accept that. And maybe that means I die alone. So be it.

    Then there are the women who, when their boyfriend cheats, they get angrier with the woman with whom he cheated than their boyfriend. “That whore knew we were together,” she’d say. “I met her at Jamie’s pool party and he introduced me as his girlfriend. I’m gonna kick her ass!”

    Really? Your anger is best directed at the woman who slept with your man? What, do you think he was totally innocent and she’s some sort of sorceress who seduced him? Did she drug him? Somehow make him forget all about you? How dare she?!”

    I agree he is not innocent. We all meet attractive members during the course of time. It’s a matter of simply seeing a wolf in sheep’s skin.

    And walking away. It’s not that hard. REally. To walk away. Unless there’s something wrong inherently with your current love relationship.

    Would I forgive a cheater? Most likely not. My trust would be inherently broken.

    • June 10, 2011 7:14 pm

      I would agree, having trouble in your relationship could make it hard to walk away. What I personally don’t get is the cheaters who seek it out. I can almost understand people who cheat with someone at work – you have late meetings together, you spend so much time together, it just happens. But the people who are actively looking for someone, firting at bars, at airports, online… those people are the ones that bother me the most.

  23. Zephyr permalink
    June 13, 2011 9:52 am

    I completely agree with you about blaming the guy instead of the girl who took him away. Being in college, I see the “Let’s blame the trollop!” attitude all the time, and I can never quite understand it. Sure, she was screwing around with your man, but she has no responsibility towards you—but he certainly does.

    Also… this is a slightly less extreme example than outright cheating, but when I had my first college boyfriend (let me preface this by saying that I was completely and utterly insane AND desperate, an ugly combination), he straight up told me that he was interested in another girl. And I just said to myself, Okay, I’ve got to make him like me BETTER. No break-up, no drama, just taking the hurt that created and deciding to stick it out anyways. Now I see that I was completely and unforgivably stupid, but it is just an interesting insight into the dumb things we do in the name of “love,” whatever that is.

    • June 21, 2011 8:38 pm

      Don’t feel bad. I think we’ve all had moments like that where we did things in the name of “love” or maybe in the name of “we didn’t know better.” A lot of times I think it is in the name of “I didn’t really love myself.” But all you can do is live and learn… and know that you deserve way better.

  24. BeneathTheSpinLight permalink
    June 20, 2011 12:58 am

    I would absolutely rather know. I’ve been cheated on and I knew it before I confronted him about it. There was a huge nagging in the pit of my stomach, as there always is when something is wrong with a relationship, and I’d rather know that feeling is validated than go on wondering if I’m crazy and paranoid.

  25. June 22, 2011 12:06 am

    Oh my Gosh i just started reading your blog and your 6 month post really hit home with me.I was in a relationship where i was cheated on and found out the hard (not hardest) way by finding her underwear (yea). We had an entire night long argument and at the end of it all we stayed together, mostly because i felt sorry for him and felt i could fix him. Maybe after all that we could have something much stronger right? Then he continued to talk to this girl and i found out…. then stayed with him STILL! Now looking back on it i feel like such an idiot. Why do we do this, you cant fix a man and you definitely cant get past a scar like cheating on your relationship. So yes from experience if i were ever cheated on again the door will hit his ass on his way out because no other way works.

    • June 27, 2011 7:37 pm

      Wow, sorry to hear you went through that. It doesn’t get too much worse than that – uness you actually walked in on them together! Why do we stay with people who treat us wrong? Who cheat on us and hurt us? There are a lot of reasons. I think you hit the nail on the head here – a lot of times we want to change them. We were always told growing up that you can do anything you set your mind to. So if that is true, then you should be able to fix a relationship or a man, right? NOT TRUE. Sorry you had to learn this the hard way. I wish you the best of luck next time around!

  26. June 22, 2011 11:50 am

    The short and sweet.

    I’d rather know than not know. That way I know that the life I had been living with this person has essentially been tainted by lies and deception and I can end it all and get started on cleaning the filth away.

    Plain and simple…cut’n’dry in my book. If you need/want to cheat you should not be in a relationship.

    • June 27, 2011 7:38 pm

      EXACTLY, Matthew. You put this in words much better than I could have…. but that’s exactly how I feel.

  27. June 23, 2011 2:24 pm

    In all honesty, if a guy were to cheat on me and he knew it was a total screw-up, truly a one-time thing and regretted it with everything he had, I’d rather NOT know about it. If he slips up once and resolves within himself to not let that situation happen again, it’s going to be easier on both of us if he doesn’t drop that bomb on me in order to attempt to relieve his own guilt. I don’t want to be tasked with the difficult decision of deciding whether one large mistake is worth throwing away a whole relationship. I’d rather he just pull himself together, vow to drop it and move forward with me.

    A repeat offender will eventually be discovered, I think we can all agree on that. It’s not difficult to cheat on someone, but once you’ve figured out how to do it effectively, it’s only a matter of time before overconfidence and subsequent apathy towards the existing relationship will cause the pot to boil over. In that case, if someone is cheating on me with multiple women or maintaining ongoing relations with a specific girl, it would be pretty clear that we should part ways.

    It’s very easy to say that we shouldn’t cheat. Very easy to declare that we won’t cheat. But nearly each day we are presented with new possibilities, new people, new situations. Things can happen and they aren’t always as cut and dry as yes or no.

    Great post! Affairs are actually my favorite relationship topic to discuss. I may have to approach you about writing a guest post on the subject sometime. 😉

    • June 27, 2011 7:42 pm

      Thanks for your comment and perspective. I hear where you are coming from…. but I don’t know if I agree. I’d like to know even if he slips up once. Because, i feel like cheating is sometimes a symptom of the main problem. If he slipped up, even one time, our relationship is lacking in some way. I’d like the chance to fix that, and to help our relationship get better, so that he doesn’t slip up again. And, if he wronged me in that way, I reserve the right to decide for myself if I want to be with someone who was capable of cheating. But I think you are so right – repeat offenders often do get caught, especially when they feel invincible. Personally, I just hope to never have to deal with any of this again…

      And, I’d love a guest post sometime! Just reach out to me via email and we can discuss!

      Thanks for reading and commenting!

  28. June 29, 2011 2:33 pm

    Hi Catherine. I follow your blog, but I’m more of a lurker :). You’ve inspired me to start my own blog, too, so thank you for that.

    Anyway, something you said in this post has been floating around my mind all weekend and all of yesterday, and I decided that I should comment on this. You said that you’re family didn’t really offer any advice but then told you that you made the right decision when you finally ended things with your ex, right? Well, I just don’t think that they didn’t give you advice because somewhere in the back of their minds they thought you would take him back.
    I think the real reason why they wouldn’t offer any advice is because they wanted you to be the one to come up with the decision. They wanted you to decide this so that you could know in your heart that you were making the best decision for you, and not just because it is what somebody suggested to you.
    I could be way off base, and maybe it isn’t my place to say it, but I just thought I should let you know that maybe your family and friends had better intentions than you think.


  29. Linky permalink
    November 8, 2011 8:19 am

    I can have alot to say on this blog but would rather thank you for putting it out there because what i have read on here today have made me more stronger even though it hurts as hell since it is only two days ago i decided to leave because of cheating i found a small light in the end of the tunnel through reading your blog.

    • November 12, 2011 7:24 pm

      I’m sorry to hear what you are going through. That is really tough. It’s so hard to find out that someone you loved – someone you trusted – failed you in such a bad way. You definitely deserve better treatment than that. I’m sending positive thoughts your way.

  30. Deceived... permalink
    May 26, 2012 9:51 am

    I know I’m a little late joining this, but I hope someone will respond. I was unwillingly made the other woman and, as of 3 days ago, have broken it off with this jerk. I emailed him detailing the lies he told and used some other adjectives that probably could’ve been left out. I just didn’t want him to think he got away with the lies. We were together for a year and he was with his girlfriend for 2 years. We even got an apartment and planned to move in together next week. I can’t believe this happened and I never knew about his other life! So, it’s only been 3 days, but why hasn’t he admitted to his deceitfulness and apologized? I’m slowly trying to move forward with my life, but I think a part of me needs the apology in order to really get closure on the situation. Thoughts?

    • May 26, 2012 11:12 pm

      Hey there –
      So sorry to hear what you are going through. That sounds absolutely awful. He was terrible and unfair to you. And, I know how feel. I would want an apology too. It would drive me crazy. But I also know that some people can’t admit when they are wrong. Maybe not even to themselves. It’s going to be hard to get past, but you really need to focus on you and healing yourself. You are going to be OK. You may want to consider talking with someone. I did after my break up and it helped a lot. Just know it’ll get better and while you can’t make him apologize, you can focus on you.

  31. Bobb Dobbs permalink
    October 2, 2012 10:58 pm

    Did you ever wonder why we demand such exclusivity in affections? Why does someone having affections for two people destroy one of them? I don’t believe there is force-field that radiates out from someone who has dual affections — like an invisible laser beam — that destroys the happiness of the other person. The destruction must be self-inflicted. Perhaps the notion that dual (or more) affections are evil isn’t really a natural law — but imposed by our own wishful thinking.

    In fact if we “love” someone, don’t we want them to be happy? If dual affections make them happy, why do we end up hating them for it? Was our “love” really ever about their happiness at all, or about was it really always about our happiness? Our possessions?

    When I see “cheated on” partners seek revenge I don’t see love behind it, I see possessivness and entitlement.

    • February 9, 2014 3:55 pm

      Jesus, typical rationalization of a cheater. One day someone is going to crap all over your head–don’t whine and bitch when it happens

  32. RWentra permalink
    March 10, 2013 6:42 pm

    Good point Bob

  33. Nekeyia permalink
    April 1, 2014 12:57 am

    When It Comes To Men They Can Hurt You In Your Face Or Behind Your Back And Most Women Can Take It And Just Walk Away ,But If You Turn The Tables They Can’t Handle It .So Don’t Worry About Karma You Already Get Payback When Leave And Show That You Are Not Weak Like He Is.

  34. Nikki permalink
    May 30, 2014 11:29 am

    I’m floored. This is exactly what I’ve needed to read for the last 8 months. Thank you.

  35. Denise Allison permalink
    July 16, 2014 9:45 pm

    I am going through the same thing now; My boyfriend of 8 months has been cheating on me via text message and other various lines of communication throughout the duration of our relationship. I need some serious advice, I am at a crossroads; I have a son who is 10, and he has a daughter who is 6; my son is very attached to him; and my mother even likes him, but it appears that due to his previous marriage and divorce he is unable to love me, or even treat me with a little bit of respect and has gone even further to have illicit conversations with women he works with; which I found out, and he still insists on being their friend.. I don’t know why I am being treated this way; I cater to him in everyway possible, although I must admit I accused him of cheating throughout the entire duration of the relationship, and it pains me that he cannot let go of people that mean nothing for something that we could have, and it is even more unfortunate that I chose to stay when I first found out about some lies he told me in February. Today I found out my little sister’s boyfriend passed away and a dose of reality hit me. The reality is that life is too short to waste your time and kindness on the undeserving. The reality is that this man does not value my presence, and can care less about my son and I. And his manipulative way of turning things on me to somehow try to make me feel like I am wrong is out of this world and is fucked up. I just wish I had someone to talk about this with, because I am going through it, and I don’t know what will happen after tonight. But I will do all in my power to let him go, if he choses to leave… I cannot tolerate how he is treating me. It just isn’t right.

    • Ellen permalink
      June 28, 2015 3:04 am

      He is doing more than texting. Tell your son that “friends come and go”. This guy needs to go. Do you want your son to treat other women as this male is treating you? I think not. This male is beneath you. There was a reason he is divorced……hmmm… He is not telling you the complete story about the marriage. From experience, he will continue to deny the relationship with other women ( while he slips around sleeping with them). He will make you feel like you are delusional and crazy while he does his dirty deeds with them. He will start finding fault in you commenting on different aspects of your appearance, cooking, driving anything. He is comparing you to the other chic as he plans his next rendezvous. The lust goes on…

      DONT SETTLE FOR LESS. You are missing out on meeting your silicate while wasting your time with someone who doesn’t appreciate you or your child. Let him go.

  36. August 21, 2014 10:03 pm

    I just recently ended a relationship with a boyfriend who cheated on me multiple times. And from that experience I’d definitely say it would have been nice to know immediately when I was cheated on then for him to wait a couple years to fess up. We stayed together for 2 years after I found out. When you love someone more than yourself its hard to leave. I will admit I convinced myself that the women he slept with were at fault and I forgave my boyfriend. But I never really did forgive him and hold grudges against him for it now that I love myself more than him. Infidelity is no easy battle.

  37. Mel permalink
    February 14, 2015 12:00 am

    I don’t understand why cheating isn’t made illegal in the West. Our legal system and the ease of online dating are cultivating and promoting a cheating culture. If people are unhappy with their marriages or relationships they should be encouraged to get out of them first before cheating. At least have a legal system in place where “three strikes you are out” will make a lot of sense and will help protect the innocents and discourage cheating behaviors.

    • Ellen permalink
      June 28, 2015 2:52 am

      The ones who would formulate the policy and the majority of the voters would either be subject to violating the law or still too weak to want to punish a significant other for cheating.

      I think next time, as women, we should not be so willing to remain in an unhealthy relationship. The first inkling of suspicion or a little white lie should prompt us to never give the male a chance for a second date or start preparing the finances and kids for a smooth exit. We should become very picky. Its preservation of ourselves and offspring teaching them fidelity is a MUST.

  38. Sophie permalink
    September 17, 2015 10:58 pm

    I just found out that my boyfriend and soon to be fiancé was sleeping with his secretary for over 6 months. We were both residents and he was finishing his last year and I was to enter the program and hospital that he was working in. We planned on finishing school and getting married. He began to act oddly halfway through the program. Calling me early in the night to say goodnight but answering texts from me in the middle of the night. Seeing me only on certain nights of the week (because of his schedule) and being less intimate because of “stress”. He was sleeping with the receptionist for over six months. He was looking for rings and talking to my family while he was sleeping with her. He was meeting this woman in the middle of the night, several nights a week. Even thought I had my doubts and I started to see warning signs, I didn’t want to believe them because of how much I loved him and the future we worked so hard for. I didn’t know about the infidelity until we broke up and I started the program where he and she once worked. I definitely wish I had known. If there is anything that I regret, it is to not believe in my own inution and my gut feeling. It is never wrong, people. There is nothing worse than feeling like you could have protected yourself if you just trusted yourself over the words that someone else said. You are your own best friend and protector, and someone times, no matter how much it hurts, it’s best to just know.

  39. March 23, 2017 5:49 am

    I’ve been cheated on and actually first I had a raging anger at the girl he slept with. I knew her and that was really bad because I always suspected that something was going on between them. The anger at him hit me later on, a few months I guess, and I broke up with him because he couldn’t earn back my trust. My confidence in our relationship was shattered and it was useless to keep on going.

  40. Michelle Gleason permalink
    June 24, 2017 1:04 pm

    I found out a few days ago that my now ex boyfriend of 4 years cheated on me. The evidence I found was shocking, and as I write this I’m still in shock. He cheated less than once week before I found out, and based on what i found I have no idea if it’s happened before. I’m overwhelmed with sadness. I’m reading blogs looking for any sort of advice on how to get through each day. I moved out of his house 24 hours after I found out. When I say that out loud it seems sudden, but I couldn’t fathom seeing him after the betrayal he’s put me through. After reading your article I could agree more on your standpoint. I’m not angry at him, as days pass I only miss him more and the future that we no longer have. I’ve given him several chances. I believe in forgiveness. But he’s taken me for granted each time, and I couldn’t allow myself to be disrespected anymore. The more I think about it the more I understand that people make mistakes, we are only human. I’m aware cheating was a choice, but as I sit here I can’t help but think maybe I acted to suddenly? Could we have gotten through it? Could I have forgiven the love of my life for hurting me in ways no one ever has before? The answer is probably. But what I can’t forgive is the web of lies he told to hide what he’s done, the lying to my face before he finally admitted it; its unforgivable. It’s made me question his character and everything I thought I knew about him. How can someone be so cold? And how do I get through this?

  41. Letitia permalink
    June 12, 2018 5:46 pm

    I have never had words quite literally pulled from my mouth and put on a blog as much as this. This turkey hit me hard and is one of the only things I have read of someone feeling the exact same way as I do

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