Open Letter to Married Men Who Hit On Me
Dear married men who hit on me,
I’ve seen many of you in my lifetime, and there are several things I’ve always wanted to say to you, but never had the chance. Well, I can’t keep silent anymore.
Married men who hit on me, you disgust me. Do you really think that I’m going to buy your stories? Do you honestly believe I’m going to think that I’m special, different, that maybe you’ll leave your wife for me? Is it that you think I’m stupid? Or maybe you think I have no self-esteem, that I am so desperate for a man that I would attempt to steal one from another woman. Do you really, in your heart of hearts, think that what you are doing is right?
I have to admit, I respect how strategic you are in your advances. You have a story, and you stick to it. There are several key approaches you cheaters utilize:
- I’m unhappy in my relationship. The love is all gone. What happens if you marry the wrong person? Don’t I deserve true love?
- That bitch cheated on me. Two can play at that game, and don’t you want to help me exact revenge?
- We’re separated. Okay, maybe we just got into a fight yesterday afternoon and I’m saying we are separated, when in reality we have a two-year-old and a Golden Retriever at home and she’s making meatloaf tonight (my fav!), but we’re separated. I’m gonna file for divorce any day now.
- You are so different than she is. You are so fun, sexy and free spirited. My life with my wife is so monotonous, boring and we never have fun anymore. I just really wish she was more like you.
- Me? Married? No, I’m not married. Free as a bird. Oh – this tan line on my left hand ring finger? I don’t see it – what do you mean? The ring in my front pocket? Just holding it for a friend.
- Losing you was the biggest mistake I ever made. You were the one who got away. I just married my wife to get over you. And now that you are single, well …
- I love you. You are the one. Are you supposed to ignore “the one” when they come along? I’m leaving her for you. Just sit tight. Any day now.
- Miscellaneous: She let herself go. I’m in a different time zone. Vegas. Everything but sex is okay. She’ll never find out. I’m not getting what I need at home. It’s just a kiss. Oh, I’m just flirting – I’d never go through with it. It’ll only be one time. How can you deny the connection we have? Etc., etc., etc…
Don’t get me wrong, married men. I really sympathize with you. It must really suck that you married the wrong person. I’m sorry she cheated on you. It brings a tear to my eye to think about how you are forced to live in a loveless marriage. But you know what I think you should do?
GET DIVORCED. If you are that unhappy, get divorced. Do not hit on other women. And don’t hit on ME. I am not a home wrecker. I have been cheated on, and I know the pain of finding out my partner has been unfaithful. I will never be a willing participant in bringing that pain upon someone else. Call me when you are divorced. Notice I said divorced – not separated.
Furthermore, even if you did leave your wife for me, don’t you think I would spend the rest of my life wondering if you would – waiting for you to – cheat on me too?
So let me remind you. You are married. In case you don’t know what that means, let me break it down for you:
M – is for Matrimony, like HOLY Matrimony.
A – is for Aisle, like the aisle you walked down when you got MARRIED.
R – is for Respect, like the respect you should have for your wife and NOT cheat.
R – is for Repercussions, because you better know there are repercussions for cheating. You will be caught, and even if you aren’t, karma is gonna kick your ass.
I – is for Inappropriate, which is one of the best words I can find to describe your behavior.
E – is for Effort, which is what a marriage takes. And clearly you aren’t putting any in.
D – is for Divorced, which is what you’ll be if your wife finds out what scum you are.
In conclusion, thanks for the high honor you have paid me by hitting on me. I can’t tell you how amazingly flattered I am; I can hardly get over it. But the water is not warm here. You can move on and hit on someone else – or better yet, stop being a cheater. Reread your marriage vows and actually abide by them.
All my best,
Most awkward transition ever, but don’t forget, if you want to win a free three-month membership to Match.com to try and find a partner that won’t cheat on you (I know, I’m reaching), be sure to comment on Happy Blogiversary with why you want to try online dating. Entries will be accepted until 6 p.m. EST today, Friday, June 17!